Gay Stuff : The Gay “Community”
In the modern day we live in it’s hard to be alone, it’s hard to find yourself able to not be touched by the multifaceted tools of humanity. But if we’re so connected to society and the world as we know it, how is it so easy to feel alone? How is it so easy to not feel like a part of a true community?
This is a huge year for the LGBT rights movement, and I couldn’t feel happier for us Nationally, but at the same time horribly underwhelmed by the actions of local “communities”. To put things in an unflattering direct light here’s a classic definition of Community, in a sociological aspect that applies to us as LGBT. Community:
- a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.
- “the sense of community that organized groups can provide”
- a similarity or identity.
- “writers who shared a community of interests”
- joint ownership or liability.
- “a commitment to the community of goods”
The top being “A feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” Homosexuals all over the world can relate to that definition. We all want the same thing, the ability to openly and equally share our love that our heterosexaul bretheran have had since the dawn of civilization.
So why doesn’t it work as flawlessly with us as it does with heterosexuals? Or racial minorities? Or Religions? Why is it the Gay “Community” can’t agree on anything?
Two words. “Common Attitudes”
A Common Attitude is what makes underdogs into champions and makes civil leaders into historical legends. The ability to connect with your community with a base attitude that all share. Now here in The United States a common attitude for the gay community is forming under nationwide Gay Marriage, which is on the cusp of happening, but will it stick after President Obama leaves office? Can a Nation so divided on an issue keep one firm standpoint on it? With marriages just becoming legal here in Florida I’ve shed a few tears seeing long term friends finally be married. And I think that everyone whose see these amazing marriages agrees that after all this work, we can never go back to before. But as a community member what does that mean?
To be part of a community, its ideal for a shared goal and a common attitude. We all wanna live our lives and love who we love, so whats the problem? We have goals, you’re wrong BloggerBear, the gay community is love, power and rainbows. We organize parades and celebrations world wide, we have clubs and bars openly now and tv shows and even a TV network! All that’s great and yes, I’m not saying ALL communities are unorganized, divided and at times lazy. But we know the truth about the gay world. When you’re just getting established in it, it’s a cold, dark, black and white place that can make you doubt everything about yourself. Socially, we’re a divided group.
And why is it this way? What has ruined the lifetime work of civil rights leaders and squandered all the work they’ve done since the fight of Stonewall? Well that’s pretty easy, US.
When googling “Common Attitude”, I found the best list of six common attitudes that ruin a team/community. And I can say yes I have been guilty of ALL of these at times in my time here in the Gay community and I’ve worked very hard at not being that guy anymore. Is it easy? No, it’s not, but reading this list provides a great insight to me of what plagues our community. And holds as a constant reminder of what to and not to do in my everyday social interactions.
I’m going to rename this list “The 6 Social Sins of Community”, because I can’t think of ONE person in my local community that doesn’t allow at least ONE thing on this list to get in their way socially and make the community a more uncomfortable place for the rest of us.
- An inability to admit when you’re wrong, and accept responsibility
- Failing to forgive others, and harboring resentment
- Petty jealousy about the accomplishments of others on the team
- The disease of “me” — being self-serving and self-promoting
- A critical spirit, focusing on the failings and flaws of others
- A desire to hog all the credit and belittle the contributions of the team
Again, I’ve been guilty of these and on some days I have to think twice before opening my quick witted mouth and throwing unnecessary shade. It seems socially it’s always been “In” to be catty, to toss shade to show your dominance or position. To hold your rank over others at any event/place just because you’re jaded against that person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, more bullying/shade/backstabbing comes from fellow members of the LGBT community than from the rest of the world and just constantly reinforces the ideals that being “Mean Girls” is “normal” and acceptable. It’s not.
In an article I read today talking about the social stigma against the overweight in the gay community and it inspired me to write this. But while I started reading the article I was attacked by a popup with a half naked twink, and all the supporting ads are of sculpted amazing Adonis’s. Very much like EVERY gay website, even this one, unless it’s is geared directly towards bears or another minority inside the LGBT community. Wait a minute, a minority inside a minority?
To me the double standards against, Bears, Trans, Asians, Latinos, Drag Queens, not to mention BISEXUALS (they exist from what I understand) and then some are constantly trying to hold their own in the queen eat queen world that is the LGBT “Community”. These sub communities constantly have to prove they are part of the community simply because they don’t LOOK or act like what the general population who watched Will and Grace or Queer as Folk expect us to be like.
I’m SO happy for our Trans brothers and sisters to be getting the spotlight this last year and this year. Trans characters on tv, celebrities and more, embracing what it means to suffer from a different gender identity, not a sexuality. These brave souls are showing who they really are to the world and are educating not just the general community, but their own peers as well.
Now I’m not saying you’re living your life wrong. I’m not casting judgement on anyone, that’s not my place. But I like a growing many am upset and tired of being treated like a 3rd class citizen INSIDE MY OWN MINORITY. Talking to peers and friends there is an agreement that it definitely seems like a very American idea that if you’re an attractive white man, you’ve got the right to treat anyone anyway you please, without regard to anyones emotions or accomplishments. Now that is NOT RIGHT. A sexual preference may be something we all have, but it’s not a shield. If you have a preference against a racial/religious/weight do yourself a favor before you “proudly” announce it to the rest of us, get some tact and educate yourself on common courtesy. Everyone has a preference but not everyone is an asshole about it.
Is there a right way to be gay? No, of course not, there is no RIGHT way to live life, any life LGBT, straight or anything in between. But there are ways to improve the quality of your social life, the first being able to realize there is more to LGBT than partying and clubs, there are groups to meet that do more than drink, dance and watch Logo. Sure Drag Race is a fun guilty pleasure but don’t lose sight of local/National news. Stick up for your community, even if you don’t know them and don’t worry about being perceived as the best in the group, just be your personal best.
We all have our own unique code of ethics and are bound by the laws of our Nations. But we are all people, blood pumps through all out veins, the same organs keep us alive, the same heart beats in all out chest. Some are bigger, some are smaller, some darker, some lighter, but in the end the heartbeat of humanity doesn’t know a nationality, doesn’t know sexuality, gender identity or racial prejudice er, I mean “preference”. The heart just knows what it wants, and that to quote a French Midget “The greatest thing in life is just to love and be loved in return”
So remember when you’re out there are the bar, or your next pride celebration and the mean girl shade starts being tossed around like a party favor, say no thanks and rise above. The community starts with you. Respect and common attitudes start with you.
As usual I look forward to your comments.
BloggerBear
Touche’. And I wondered why there wasn’t any of the
Usually, “flippancy’s” I often find with
Dave’s blogs-thank you
Now I understand “it’s all good”
I had to give a standing ovation to my computer just now. This couldn’t be more relevant in so many ways. Thank you for this.
You need the governments permission to “share your love”?? Doesn’t sound like real love then. Love endures, love prevails, love survives, love triumphs. It sounds like what you really want is a handout from the maker class. It’s obviously not about love, aside from the fact that marriage is a religious rite and is of no business of the government, gay or straight. What happened to separation of the government and religion.
thank goodness I have been waiting for you/this site to finally write something that actually is or should be important to the gay community. i personally have reached the end of the who’s hot who’s not crap. this may be important to some of the more shallow folks on here but i am more interested in the things that were written in this article as well as what is going on with the whole nation. i.e. gay marriage etc. the things that were written in here is the things i have said on and off about the shallowness of the people in adam4adam. please don’t get me wrong i have also spoken to and had decent conversations with a lot also. i don’t know who the author is or was but they did a great job in this article. thanks
im still waiting for an article about racism in the gay community
I think we are in luck. Our mainstream acceptance is still fairly new and therefor we have the ability to shape what it means to be gay and gain a common attitude.
I don’t want to be apart of the gay community. I don’t fall on the same side as, support, or agree with many of the issues the gay community commonly does. If I were to be open about that I would be attacked and demonized (which I’m sure my comment will be). That brings me to my second point, the hypocrisy and militant attitude sweeping through the gay community. There is a growing movement in the gay community to attack or target anyone who disagrees with the gay lifestyle, especially people of faith. Just look how many businesses have been destroyed when it would have been so easy to say “OK, I will take my business elsewhere”. Nope, we run to the lawyers and destroy them. That militant attitude only hurts the cause. I don’t go to pride events, I find them to be an embarrassment and do not want to be associated with them because of to much overly sexual and inappropriate behavior. I guess my overall point is there are to many elements of the gay community that push me away and not draw me towards it.
GAY COMMUNITY…OXYMORON!!
COMMUNITY COMES TOGETHER..NO UNITY WITH GAYS.
GAY COMMUNITY…MEN HATE FEMS,YOUNG HATE OLD,SKINNY HATE FAT, LESBIANS HATE ALL,AND THEN THERE ARE THE FREAKS STARTING WITH SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCE,DRAG QUEENS.
IT IS THE REASONS “GAYS” WILL NEVER BE ACCEPTED!
WHAT TYPE OF COMMUNITY,SOCIETY IS BASED IN BARS,BATH HOUSES
AND PARADES FILLED WITH PEOPLE WITH NO PRIDE!
i have an issue with the gay community but i feel like many with issues with how the gay community operates are actually only upset because they are not apart of what is known mainstream as “gay community.” What can be done? should we start a new site? should we get together as a group and address the gay powers that be? that would be an interesting article.. what should be done?
Totally agree with earlier posters, Randy and LK.
Enough said.
I want to avoid the ‘gay community’ as much as possible. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but men tend to be pieces of crap. I’m more judged around gay people than I have ever felt around straight people.
True sense of community as defined, and as a positive, will be achieved when the selfish, shallow, materialistic, and primal needs or desires are not the core of what represents the agenda for entertainment, education, politics, and life focus of the gay community – or at least that which is promoted in its media and various networks of businesses.
I look at our gay community as if were like mutants there are some who hate ourselves then you got ones who love and welcome us
@Randy
Hey look, we found the libertarian idiot.
I agree with THE GENERAL, there is no “community” at least not where i am from! gays are the snobbiest most egotistical self righteous people I know. The show much more hate toward eachother than the straight community ever showed against them! I have been bullied MUCH MORE by fellow gay men than any straight people. Its a crying shame when the straight community accepts you better for who you are than your fellow gay “friends” and i use the term gay friends very loosely!!!
The general….I agree with you
While I won’t accept or condone “THE GENERAL’s” comments, I’m kind of agreeing with LK in a way. I think inasmuch as we would LIKE to have the idea of a community that’s all-inclusive and with no bias, hate and competitiveness…we’re human. I kind of have to laugh at your comment about “rise above”. It’s a noble idea, but you know what happens? You get painted as stuck up and “too good” for the what “community” (the bar, the social group, the town…) there is — then what do you do?
I’m old enough now to officially be over the petty shit that goes down in the bars but if I try to go and be with friends to have a drink, it doesn’t matter — you get sucked into the drama and crap. I see a nice-looking guy, maybe I smile at him and suddenly there’s some guy who decides to inject some drama into things. (Add to it that this town has about three actual gay bars, all of which cater to a specific type…the local “neighborhood bar” gay bar closed because people stopped going due to the owners deciding to try and be less “scene” and more inclusive…so what does THAT say?)
I want equality as much as anyone, but LGBT folk sabotage themselves and any hope of an actual “community”.
We USED to have a “gay community”…back in the ’70s and into the Holocaust, when we all looked out for each other. It doesn’t exist anymore. Now, it’s all dizzy Abercrombie queens with double chins from staring down at the iPhones while standing in a bar. “Gay community?” Are you serious, or delirious? It sucks now. I’m glad I was part of the real deal; I’d HATE to be 20-something and gay or bi now, but, then again, the Millennials don’t know any better, anyway.
I”m a 54 year old male codextc if anyone wants to look. I grew up with solid morals, belief in others and also to share that with others. I love all people regardless. Unfortunately I find the “gay” community to be horribly judgemental and fractured…and the lack of the many to be able to treat others as equals rahter than defined by age, sexual activities, etc. We need to love one another…and bring all people together. But as a gay man I am totally mortified at the response people give about age…look at my photos and pics, written profile etc…which are open by the way…nothing to hide. However, I am also a social being a largely excluded from activities all due to age, however when people meet and see me they want to be with me when they finally see that age is just a number and gays need to quit focusing on lust , which is ruining or sense of so called community. Jealousy, game playing, and mean spirited games abound. Not trying to be negative…I am simple telling short story of how the community makes me feel. for 20 years I was a DJ…helped others in the community, etc….only to to “shided” as people are looking for that so called fountain of youth , rather than still attractive, more experienced and actually better prepared now more than ever to enjoy life and be someone special to another. Anyone elso feel isolated and “eliminated” with intent. I’m a nice man…my friend will tell you that…others that don’t know me won’t even give me the time. At 54…I am in shape ..5’8 147 pounds and have a nice body and know how to use it….however I can do that and better yet can’t use the best part of me…MY HEART ! Discrimination from within our own. We need for focused education and a promotion of oneness in the community…who is going to lead the way before it’s too late ??
I would say in the spirit of this , which I agree with, I would eliminate the HOT or NOT posts — this does add to the toxic nature of the community
I’m wholly agreed with Turok!
And how ’bout an end to shallowness &
Getting our citizens some MENSA mindfulness!
I’m sorry, but I’ve never gotten the “gay community”thing..maybe because sexual orientation is pretty far down the list for me. I’ve never identified as “gay” & it’s just weird to me that some guys put that up on top! I’ve always -from the time I was a kid- ‘identified’ as Michael first, as an artist or whatever second, human (sometimes grudgingly, lol) 3rd, my surname 4th, and so on. What I’ve wanted to do sexually is pretty far down there… I’ve never tried or pretended to be anything else (& I’ve been after dick since I was at least six), but it wasn’t what defined me by a long shot! I’ve had my ups & downs, but it wasn’t till I was out of college that it occurred to me that “gay” was a “thing”, lol! There’s always been enough ‘uniqueness’ & intensity to my ‘me’-ness for people to have issues with & I learned as kids to
Oops, sorry..(phone)..! Anyway, I figured early on that most weren’t gonna “get” me, & that was fine.. Their loss. I never, ever felt “second class”, or wrong or any of that! Maybe I just always had a strong sense of self, but I can definitely say the being Gay was a non-issue for me.
I just think there’s way too much focus on what everybody (or anybody) else “thinks”…legal issues aside. I definitely get the excitement over marriage, but it’s always seemed to me like, if the word pisses people off so much, does it HAVE to be called gay “marriage”? It’s only a word, & we do, as human beings, choose whether to be offended or hurt or impressed by them. Some battles need to be fought; others, not so much. Some to the death, and some…just to a point. We need to not over-amp on every detail…
But that’s just an opinion.
By sectioning itself off from society, the “community” creates an “us vs. them” mentality. That does not foster acceptance or understanding. It’s not “We all want the same thing, the ability to openly and equally share our love that our heterosexaul bretheran (sic) have had…” It says “our way or the highway” through parades where naked men wearing feathers march to loud music on city streets. Do straights do that? No. The “community” pushes “our rights over theirs”. While demanding acceptance, this “community” does not offer it in return, often chastising straights for their sexuality or targeting straights as sex objects.
Until certain members of this “community” grow up, find some character, and find some maturity, acceptance of gays will be slowed. Fortunately, there are many guys who have not joined the “community”. They live their lives as responsible, respectful friends, relatives, brothers, coworkers, professionals, and neighbors who are respected in return. They are “just like other people.” They gain more acceptance each day than any naked guys marching in the streets wearing feathers ever will.
Why would you want a community where everyone agrees? There’s so many backgrounds and beliefs in the gay community that that community is never going to be people all agreeing on one thing.
“So why doesn’t it work as flawlessly with us as it does with heterosexuals? Or racial minorities? Or Religions?” There’s at least 100 denominations under Christianity. They broke off because they disagreed.
There’s no community because the majority of gay men can only see one type of man, or way of being gay, as “acceptable.” It varies by person but generally it’s all about trying to be as much of a clone as you can muster.
They all want everyone to have as close to a six pack as possible before they even begin to want to know the person under the skin. I see this constantly when I go out, there are all groups of guys that are variations on the same nondescript look. Even the guys who are trying to be “unique” all end up looking like a mockery of each other.
And trying to chat up a guy is not possible in their little clone gang because their friends all look down on any difference and get majorly cunty. It’s a really bad game of High School but with cocktails.
I think as a co-culture we need to stop being so physically judgmental. I find it even gets in the way of friendships. I honestly begin to believe that the only way most gay guys have gay friends is if their friends are in some form sexually attracted to them. Otherwise they still have no desire to get to know you.
I’ve had many guys literally say things about completely detestable men like “oh him? He’s a total jerk but you know like when you want to go to the beach and hang out in a speedo he’s got the body for it!”
Hello?? Speedo-readiness shouldn’t be a qualification for friendship.
Even in the “bear community” they guys have to look just so to fit the image Tom of Finland imagery that’s become iconic. It’s a shame, and people miss out all the way around because everything is driven by faux perfection instead of substance.
I don’t ever see the LGBT community as a whole uniting. I’m a minority and on any site I join all I see is someone who views me as a sexy object or someone to get far away from. I rarely get anyone who wants to get to know me as a person. The community practice ageism and racism quite a lot.I don’t see us getting past though two anytime soon. Don’t dare mention the bisexual word or say you like prefer fem or transgender bottoms… that’s the kiss of death.I love foreplay but no one wants that because to then it requires you to get to know someone and have so feelings for them beyond just a fuck,suck and go.
Wayne hit the nail on the head.
There is no unity in the gay community, especially in San Francisco – which is ironic. There is so much unilateral discrimination its sad. Sub types, body types, racism, ageism. Happily I moved. I don’t miss the people who are “professional homosexuals.” I’m a foodie so I’ll come in for that, also for the arts.
Going by what I’ve seen,I’m just glad I’m bi,a loner,and able to stand on my own.
this needs to be stickied
not buried amidst (no direct offense intended) the other debris
in other words: in all reality, before we (as a “Community”) think about ‘play’ and ‘recreation,’ we need to instead get all this Work done.
the work, of our learning how to treat each other like human beings.
no, i am not even remotely-requesting the “kumbayah / love and accept everyone unconditionally” bullshit become our modus operandi.
just, don’t go conscientiously-belittling others,—whom you may not ordinarily want to Get Acquainted with if you can help it,—who are otherwise minding their own business, and are not fucking things up on this planet (due to their lifestyle choice) anymore than you, yourself, are.
“community.”
feh.
i lost that illusion a long time ago.
Wayne said what I wanted to say. I’m in my mid 20s coming to terms with my sexuality and find it difficult to make gay friends. Maybe I’m not looking in the right places. As a minority, I find myself being objectified…they are only interested in sleeping with you or want nothing to do with you…not interested in knowing who you are as a person because they have a false, constructed idea of who you might be.