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Health: THE CHASER’S TALE – PART TWO

a 3d rendering of Red blood cells inside the vein.

 

(This post was written by Bob Leahy at PositiveLite.com)

Read part one here.

Bob Leahy: We left off the story with the incident in which you became infected. So you walked out of the door. How did you feel? It must have been kind of momentous, no?

Joseph Sinnott: It didn’t feel momentous at the time. I knew what had happened . . . Let me put it another way. I received blood slams from two different guys and I was invited by them to their places. And yet afterwards, I never heard from either of them – and that surprised me. Certainly I was not expecting support, or a long term relationship or even a friendship but at least some recognition. . . . because for me there was an intimacy to it.

It sounded almost like a conception.

Well in online conversations, both bug-chasers and gift-givers refer to it as the male equivalent of conception.

So you expected at least loose bonds between you and the father figure – the gift-giver?

I expected something other than silence. One of them eliminated himself from my circle of contacts. The other guy, we did have a one-time exchange of emails.

But when you think about it, can you understand their position?

Yes; again I was just looking for more than silence.

I can understand that  – maybe, I think that in a way it probably meant more to you than it did to them.

Yes, it did mean more to me.

Ok, let’s jump forward, you went through a period when you had to wait to get an HIV test. How long did you actually wait?

Well, there were two slamming incidents. The first was in late September 2013 and the second time was in February 2014. I was reading about the early signs of infection and in late October I started getting a rash, the kind of rash I had never had before. Turned out to be shingles, which, I had read, can be an early sign of seroconversion. So I figured I had already converted. I went to the Hassle Free Clinic and had the quick blood test and it was negative. They also ran the p24 test, which I learned four or five weeks later was also negative. I returned to Hassle Free after another few weeks, still shy of the usual three-month window, and again the quick test was negative. So I stopped thinking about it.

So what happened then?

In mid-February when I met the second guy for a blood slam, I had in the back of my mind I was positive. So again we had our encounter and it would have been late March that I had severe abdominal and persistent hiccups, twenty-four hours a day. So I went to the hospital, was admitted after 24 hours in Emerg. The explanation for the hiccups was that my liver was inflamed and enlarged and pushing up on my diaphragm. I was at the hospital for a week while they did tests. Two doctors came into my room on a Friday afternoon and they just said, with no introduction, no fanfare, “Turns out you are HIV-positive and have Hep C as well.” I was out of hospital an hour later.

Ok the obvious question then is how did you feel once they had told you that?

I was calm. Part of the (bug-chasing) online dialogue when you find out you are poz is a moment of celebration. But I was alone, so there wasn’t a rush of excitement or anything like that.

Was there sadness or regret?

No. It was numbness but it wasn’t a debilitating numbness. I had been struggling with mental health issues and substance use issues and I had lost hope and the diagnosis allowed me to bring back hope in to my life.

Do you want to describe why the diagnosis would represent hope?

It’s as if it gave me a project, it gave me a reason to live. I’m still on the journey to be . . . it’s a lifelong journey. There is a difference though between my relationship with HIV and my relationship with Hep C. I was expressly seeking to get pozzed and so I have incorporated it into my life, whereas the Hep C is still off in a corner somewhere. And so I’m wanting to reflect on that.

When you were processing your reactions, did guilt surface in any way shape or form? We’ve talked about this before, that the argument is that by becoming infected purposely, you suddenly become a drain on the healthcare system, some say.

Certainly I’m aware of the criticism but that just takes us down a very slippery slope. Do we make cigarette smokers pay, or drunk drivers?  Plus over the years, I’ve paid my taxes. . . But you ask about guilt. The guilt that I have and still struggle with is the great WTF question. I have children. What was I thinking? Is this the kind of behaviour that I would want to model for my children? I’ve gone from a highly successful career and family life, father of four and here I am (pause) . .

Not.

(Laughs) Not. Still struggling to find my identity. How would I explain it to my children?

Is that an unanswered question? Have you had to explain it to them?

I haven’t yet disclosed that I’m HIV- and HCV-positive, but I certainly intend to.

Do you think you would ever tell them the story you’ve told us?

No. I’ve disclosed within my family to two of my siblings, I’ve disclosed that I’m positive and Hep C, but that’s it. I’ve disclosed to a close friend too.

But since then you’ve entered into the world of support groups quite extensively. Have you told your story, of how you got infected, in those groups?

Yes, right after being diagnosed I set about researching and building a support network of professionals and I have a remarkable circle pf care.

Tell us about the kind of supports you have latched onto.

Support groups at ACT for recently diagnosed, for dually diagnosed and for planning for the long term, plus one-off sessions, plus a dual diagnosis group at Toronto PWA Foundation. . .

And all the while you have been going through addiction counselling?

I’m in a weekly group at CAMH. I’m doing a narrative therapy group at Mt. Sinai, a meditation group at Mt. Sinai. . . .

This is all rather unusual. Tell me why you are involved with so many groups. Is it because you have enthusiasm for supportive surroundings, or are you seeking counselling or you want to rub shoulders with people in the same boat?

All of the above. And I also have individual sessions and an individual therapist through the Hep C program at the Sherbourne Health Centre.

So (laughing) you really are a drain on the healthcare system. But I want to round this off. You haven’t told family but you have certainly sought support from within our own community. Have you had to deal with any negative reaction from within the community?

No. I would say very little reaction to anyone to whom I’ve disclosed. I’ve got indifference – “it doesn’t matter”. When I’ve disclosed to co-participants in groups, and I’m speaking in gratitude now, there has been no difference in our relationships.

I can see that but I don’t think that necessarily means indifference. Isn’t it outwardindifference?

Who knows? Inside there may be. .

I would just be surprised if there was true indifference, because I think the bug-chasing thing raises some strong feelings in many people. But they are also used to working in an environment of compassion and support, with no judgement. But I’m wondering whether that is enough to stop internal judgments being made. Ok –  I want to move on to some retrospective looks at your situation. Now how long ago were you diagnosed, remind me?

April 4.

Not too long ago. So summing it up, do you have any regrets about where you find yourself now? Would you do it again?

I would say I have no regrets. I’m still working through a lot of things, but regrets would be useless for that purpose.

But whether or not they are useless, regrets happen. So how does it feel right now? Are you happy? I’m trying to pin down where Joseph is at right now.

I’m a happier person. I have existential, relational and spiritual issues to address – and I’m in the process of addressing them. So yes, I’m happier, I have hope again – but there’s no content yet to those hopes.

OK one more question them. What would you say to somebody – say a young man who was in a similar position that you were in n and found the idea of bug-chasing kind of hot?

That’s a huge question. Let me be clear right now I would want to sit down with him and have a long conversation with the intended purpose of saying “no“. But I grapple with these issues all the time. Is there hypocrisy there? I don’t know.

I think “I don’t know” or ”I’d have to think it through” are very valid answers sometimes, because these are big questions I’m firing at you. OK one very last question, how do you feel about telling your story to me and to PositiveLite.com?

Good. You have been asking me open-ended questions, for which there are no easy answers, and I respect that.

Well, let’s call it day. I think we’ve gone full circle back to a reflective point which is a good place to end. Joseph. I can’t thank you enough for doing this and being so open.

You’re very welcome, Bob. And thank you as well.


There are 17 comments

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  1. janus2005

    I understand that this gentleman wants some kind of direction and to feel like a part of something. But why this way, why this way?

  2. Chip

    I was quick to point out that there is a slippery-slope here of glorifying or endorsing “bug chasing”. I’m glad to see that didn’t appear to happen (at least not badly). Still, the fact is these people (bug chasers) are out there — and like it or not, they’re part of the panoply that is gay-america ca. 2014 (or even 2015).

    In addiction programs (especially 12-step programs) there are often people who seem to be addicted to addiction programs. In some ways, it appears to me that Joseph here is just such a person — seemingly admittedly getting infected so that he could attend more support groups…. and somehow feeling better about things because he has these groups to belong to (forgetting [downplaying?] the reason he has access to them to begin with.

    Although it isn’t described much, I felt a knot in my stomach when he said he has kids. OMFG, let’s just hope they’re grown, or at least nearly so.

    Still, this was an eye-opening interview. Eye-opening and profoundly sad and troubling.

    To all those readers who report their objections to this man’s choices, yet still practice unprotected anal sex themselves (especially as a receptive bottom), I ask you to ponder: what is the significant difference between you and Joseph? If you can draw a line, just how close to it are you?? Be honest with yourself – you needn’t share your answer…

  3. Flyoff

    Poor poor Joseph! He’s such a VICTIM! He felt he NEEDED to get poz so he could have a “community”. And when his Poz giver didn’t even call him in the morning he was so SAD. Awww…
    I’ve never seen so much screen time/space given up to such an ignorant discourse. If Joseph is so PROUD of being Poz why doesn’t he have the balls to tell his kids? Why isn’t he shouting it from the rooftops? Why? Cause he’s figured out that being poz isn’t as accepted by ‘the community”. And, intentionally becoming poz is in no way intelligent and the rest of the world knows it. Oh Sh..! Joseph realizes he F’d up and can’t take it back.
    The only “community” Joseph belongs in is those 6’/2m under in the graveyard. Joseph, you’re a great inspiration to your children and your ‘community’ at large- NOT!

  4. Chip

    I have something else to add: several people have questioned Dave (Blog moderator, not involved in the interview itself) in his decision to post this information at all.

    I, for one, welcome thought-provoking and controversial entries like these — they stimulate us to thoughts we likely otherwise would not have. This is called growth, people! If all this blog did was paste amateur porn stories so others could complain about it having (or not having) condoms, or being either too cliche or too far out there… then this would be one boring-ass blog! I come back to read here BECAUSE of the variety of material Dave shows us, and I am thankful.

    Finally, to those who think Joseph is “setting us back” or otherwise “hurting our cause”, I say bullshit. Since when does every individual have to “toe the line”? Since when do we hold up any 1 random person and call them a representative of whatever group they may belong?

    As I did in my prior posting, I’ll ask you to look in the mirror… you Adam4Adam subscriber you… you who is most likely into hooking up with multiple, various, nearly anonymous men (that *IS* what this site’s purpose, whether you use it solely for that purpose or not)… would YOU stand up to the “representative of all gay people” scrutiny you want to hold Joseph to?

    I don’t agree with Joseph’s actions, and I believe that he has some serious mental health issues that are now going to impact many of the people he cares about (and who care about him). But I don’t think he is ruining or cancelling anything having to do with gay-rights, nor do I think he’s having any affect at all on HIV victims or their families (although his story may be disheartening to many HIV prevention activists).

    Finally I want to thank Dave for shining a light on this dark little corner of our world. By illuminating it, perhaps some of your readers will know someone in a similar situation, and perhaps help to change the outcome.

  5. Tall_btm

    I know I said not to be judgmental…and I certainly don’t intend to, but I think it may come out that way. I don’t understand this attitude that “I pay my taxes, so I can milk the system”. That line of thinking just forces taxes to go up and has more of us supporting you.

    I’m not talking about programs like Social Security where you are putting your money into it to claim it back at a later date (delayed savings). I’m talking about programs like welfare for those that ARE able to work, but they’ve figured out how to get a check. And I’ve found out that they then get paid under the table for other work.

    I think Joseph was looking for support, for help. I think it is unfortunate that this was the path he felt he had to take to acquire that support. It is unfortunate that there was a lack of community while he was negative and being drug positive gave him the community and support he was looking for.

    We all need to do better at being there for our brothers and sisters.

  6. ManWithWings

    Hopefully no one reads this garbage. The ‘victim’ mentality of this jerk is beyond reality. He did so much to become ‘poz’ and then doesn’t have the guts to tell his family and friends. This jerk wants the readers to think he did this to find a ‘community’. The only ‘community’ he belongs in is the community of those incarcerated.

  7. einathens

    Now that we’ve broached the subject, can we have a discussion about passive bugchasing? It’s much more prevalent in the bareback community than the active kind represented above.

    For clarity’s sake, passive chasing= ‘I’m not trying to get pozzed, butiI’m not trying not to.’

  8. Rand

    So he’s looking for support groups… why didn’t he do that before going thru with all of that…. I am shocked. I can’t even read all of his full answers because a lot of it is so disturbing and sickening.

  9. mike

    I don’t understand it, but I know I feel it. I am a bisexual man who often has unprotected anal sex with men I meet on adam. I have been bred by guys who say they are poz but undetectable so not to worry, but it gives me the most incredible sexual and mental buzz to be bred by them. My Dr. Just prescribed PrEP for me and already that buzz has diminished. I don’t want to contract HIV, the reality of living with it would not be exiting I am sure, but nor would coming off my motorcycle at 130mph, but I can’t wait for summer to ride again. So as I said, I don’t understand it, I just know I live it.

  10. vince

    This is horrendous. Great interview, but to shine a light on someone like this? I’m sorry. I used to think people were crazy for saying what I am about to say. When you publicize this shit, it grows and becomes a permanent and larger part of society. This is depravity and mental illness on display. Certain things should remain in the shadows and we need to realize that shaming and ostracism is healthy for a society if it wants to continue.

  11. ChrisFresh

    Hes 30 years older than me but i almost cried for him. He sounds so damaged and broken. Sounds like a bit of regret too. I hope to never come across anyone like him


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