Health : Dating An Undetectable Man

Ive never met one who looks or act fem so no… maybe if they were fem or transgender.

Thank you so much for posting this. I am undetectable poz. I, unfortunately, found out 2 weeks after testing positive for genital herpes. Needless to say, I was terrified, and thought I would never be able to have sex again. I have learned, however, that I can have safe sex with a negative guy without infecting him. Unfortunately, in the community, there are lots of guys who are really scared, and I probably would be too. I recently met a wonderful guy who is negative. I was elated when he trusted me enough to venture into a sexual relationship. Unfortunately, I think he mistook my elation for wanting to move too fast, and he just stopped calling. I called him several times, and he never responded. I was deeply hurt. I’m glad that people are becoming more educated, but it’s extremely rare to meet someone so open–I think my elation scared him away. I hope people will understand we poz guys are not wanting to hurt anyone, and if we do have sex, we always protect our partners. It would break my heart to infect anyone…so I always play safe….

i would love to date another undetectable dude if possible

Hey hey there dave!

Great article way to be someone to help kill the myths about HIV/AIDS. If more people would become educated on the issue the more people would be willing to talk about It.

I am 31 years old and have been HIV positive for 3 years (undetectable for 2)I’m taking one pill a day and still living a full and happy life (more so now than before I was diagnosed) weird I know. I am now a professional ballet dancer and performer two things that I never really pushed myself to do before. I was diagnosed on April fools day and was also in a production of RENT many things hit me in a way I never thought that it would.

I have a loving boyfriend who is also positive (6 years) and no I didn’t get it from him. I thought that I was going to be single for the rest of my life after I found out I had HIV but thanks to this site we met and have now been together for 2.5 years.

I have been the voice for many of my friends and family who did not understand the virus from taking them with me to educational classes to asking them if they want to go to the DR. with me so they could see first hand and ask questions they were to scared to ask me.

I even started going with friends who were going to their first few visits after they were diagnosed just so that would have a friendly face while they were there so they wouldn’t have to go alone.

To this day I still support my friends and family just like they do me and even do benefits to raise money for groups who help people who have HIV/AIDS. even the company that I work for donates to the groups that I work with and they (the company) does education classes open to the associates just to keep up the awareness.

WE AS IN EVERONE WHO READS THIS ARTICAL CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION ON HIV/AIDS.

KNOW YOUR STATUS GET TESTED

LOVE TO YOU ALL

~NO DAY BUT TODAY!~

Michael

I’m single, gay, HIV- at my last test and I’ve dated HIV+ men and had one relationship with a guy who was positive. I would do so again. I keep myself educated about the virus and measures I need to take to keep myself and sexual partners healthy as regards HIV. The article makes some good points that all people, not just gay men, need to keep in mind. I suggest the best place to get GOOD info. is an organization that exists to provide.assistance to HIV+ people that will have a confidential conversation with you. I think those organizations stay the most up to date on info.

Thanks,Dave!! i remember this article..and it’s nice for the refresher…bigdickpos74 on a4a..stop by and say hi!! I love and appreciate my gay family so much!!!!!

Well I am negative, a bottom and love POZ guys! They are, like you said, amazing people! In my life I have only actually had sex with one positive man however. This has been the case not because of me rejecting them but the other way around. HIV+ men have been scared to date or have sex with me in fear that they’ll infect me. I understand but have definitely done my research and taken precautions against this, ie. PrEP.

Yes I would date a POZ guy. Doesn’t make any difference to me. I am negative. Just be well educated.

I’ve been positive for over 14 yrs now, when I was diagnosed it never crossed my mind that this was a death sentence, I looked at my doctor and said, what do we need to do to get this under control? Since then I have been undetectable and in great health. At the time I was single and had no intentions on meeting anyone, I was happy on my own….well then I met someone which I thought wouldn’t last due to my health status. I knew the conversation would have to harem soon as things were becoming serious. So the day I decided to tell him and in my mind knowing he’d say, it was nice knowing you, good luck…I heard, “So?” WHATS the problem? I was in shock and here it is 10 yrs later and he remains negative. Good Luck to all!!!

I did write a comment here, but it does not seem to be here. How odd. I hope the community is learning more about this important subject. As an undetectable man, I am always safe, and would hate to infect anyone. I’m sure many wonderful prospectives have been missed because many people are still afraid. It will be wonderful when this changes.

I am HIV-. I must admit that I was in fear and uneducated about an individual being HIV+Undetected. I am extremely careful and make sure the person I’m with is negative, so I thought. I’m highly allergic to condoms, yes, I have tried them all with water base lube. Still get an allergic reaction that last up to 10 days.
My biggest downfall is trusting people. The person I messed around is a friend. After a year of messing around as “FWB”, he told me he was HIV+Undetected. The anger and hatred I had toward him was too much that It nearly ruined our friendship and I literally wanted to hurt physically. I was so worried about getting tested that I waited 2 weeks as I feared I was positive and my life was over. The results came negative and I still get test even that it’s been several months. Still negative.
I started researching articles, sought counseling, spoke with HIV+ friends, changed my Will, and was ready to toss in the towel as I felt betrayed and never understood why one would hate someone and pass the virus to another human being.
After I took the test and tested Negative, talked to him again, researched articles and educated myself, I forgave him and we are still best friends. From this experience, I learned more about the virus, the advance medications, that it’s not the end of the world, and I would date a guy that is HIV+Undetected. We are now more honest we each other and enjoy being great friends.

So far I am HIV and STD negatives. I had been dating a positive guy for long time. Just not to long ago, I ask him if he was negative or positive. He gave me an honest truth, he is positive, so I gave him a hug and told him it ok, you will be ok. Ever since he told me the truth, I had never rejected him. Why hate a guy with positive, some day every one is going to get it if not careful. but it doesn’t matter, at long we love each other very much rather u have positive or negative. I love my buddy!!

Today’s age I am not worried about getting HIV, it is extremely manageable now and people live longer with it than they use to as long as they take the proper care. (NOT SAYING IT IS A GOOD THING TO GO OUT AND GET IT), though do take precautions. Do use condoms and am on prep, my boyfriend is positive, and even if I wanted bare like I would enjoy…he refuses it so…idk I think it is perfectly understandable for someone to not want to date, or fuck someone who is positive as they are taking a risk of getting a lifelong disease, but there are some great guys with it as well. Think it was easy for me since I grew up with my boyfriend, he was the first person that fucked me, were friends up till college when we started dating, now 7 years later we are still together and I know I want to be with him and only him so, even if I did get it, at least I am still with someone who I love and cares for me…but that is not foreveryone and completely understand that dating someone undetectable causes issues…it could be major lifechanger for the negative player.

Many years ago I was diagnosed HIV Positive, and lived with that knowledge for over a year and a half, then I was tested again to start receiving some new drugs they had just started using for HIV. Well imagine my shock and surprise to find out I was HIV Negative! This all happened with in the prison system here in Indiana. I had been in a fight, and even though the other guy had pushed me into fighting, and didn’t press charges, I was charged and found guilty of a felony assault charge. The Dr in the prison was trying to get them to have a place just for prisoners that where HIV+ and was using another prisoners blood that was pos to send for any one that came through the system that they knew was gay. After living through that I couldn’t ever treat some oen that is HIV+ with anything but respect. Things are far better now than then, and of course better on the outside than in prison, but it still is a lot to go through! No one should have to go through that alone! Now due to an injury I suffered when I was a child my liver is failing, and I need a transplant. I’m upfront with every one about it, and when the guys off of A4A find out about that they also loose interest very fast! So it’s not only HIV, I think many gay men don’t want to get attached to some one that is sick as they may have to take care of them. My ex used to bail on me every time I got sick, but when he got sick he wanted me right there to take care of him. My prayers go out to your friends. That they find some one that is worthy of their love!

I dated a undetectable guy. And im good. He took care of me all the time. Never felt in a risk cause he was honest and i always pratice safe sex so there was nothing to worry about… there’s alot of closed minded people still fucking around with random ppl, bareback and scared of hiv.

Your letter is almost like an appeal for an affirmative action program for HIV+ folks. Let’s face it, it ain’t gonna happen! For those who get tested and play safe, it would be foolhardy to increase your risk level in order to get laid. While controllable today, HIV is still not curable so to take an unnecessary risk would make moot safe sex cautionary practices. The cost of treatment and the rigorous daily drug regimen are not worth it when all you need is a condom and common sense. I think an approach that downplays the risk of HIV infection by touting current treatment techniques causes a lazy mentality towards safe sex practices. Do we really want to promote a policy that helps create a larger class of citizens that are carrying an incurable infectious disease by downplaying the risk and conseqences of becoming HIV+? I just don’t see this as a wise social policy. Where is the win in a social policy that increases the risk of infection by downplaying the disease itself, which remains incurable? The old adage of “Misery Loves Company” makes terrible social policy.

Very good article, you don’t know how many guys I have had to explain that ur safer to have sex with a undetectable guy on meds than someone that gets tested every six month and sleeps around.

Poz guys who reveal their status, e.g., in profiles, deserve credit.

I am HIV negative.

Yes, I have dated several Poz guys. One was a really great dude, now partnered, and we shared a fetish for socks.

The dating ended for two reasons. Ironically I unknowingly gave him an “STD” – crabs. Secondly, I realized that I was playing a game without knowing the rules.

I wasn’t sure what’s “safe” with a Poz man. Kissing? Oral sex? Last time I looked, there were different opinions.

Like it or not, I’m a germophobe with a health fetish. A relationship with a Poz guy isn’t out of the question, but it would be tough.

For one thing, my insurance situation makes economical access to HIV drugs worrisome, if I were to became poz.

On a political note, I think Obama and the federal government tend to turn most of what they touch into crap.

To the extent that they have their hands on the healthcare system, it’s reasonable to be concerned about the R&D and other resources which have extended lives, and quality of lives, largely by letting the private sector do what it does best — innovate and efficiently produce what consumers want.

I’ve been poz/undetectable bttm going on two years and still not comfortable with dating/sex. The times that I have had sex I make it clear about my status. Most of the guys don’t seem too mind and two have told me that they feel comfortable with healthy undetectable men because they feel they are getting routine checkups and Dr. visits. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be in a serious committed relationship again because of my status but hope one day I will meet someone that is also healthy poz/undetectable or at least poz friendly. Negative men who say they would never sex/date someone poz are fooling themselves because many guys that have negative on their profile hit me up on and reveal their poz status. Chances are if you’re having sex a few times a month with random men you’ve already put yourself at risk because many profiles aren’t truthful when it comes to HIV status.

I’m undetectable and at first, it was difficult to have sex with people. Mostly because I was ashamed, but I eventually got over it and I just tell people my status from the start. Some people can’t deal with it and I respect that so I just move on to the next profile. I’ve been rejected a number of times, but I don’t think it’s any more than when I was negative and rejected for other things, like being too young, or “unattractive” or what ever other reasons people gave.

I would date an HIV positive man, but I must admit, I would have to inform myself even more. I rarely hookup, these sites do not really work out for me, though I continue to try, as I am looking for more than sex. I have ulcerative colitis. No, it is not something you can spread, but it affects my life greatly and when in a flare-up is horrible, but I know the importance of sticking to a prescription regimine. If I can do it with my medications, I assume someone else can do it for their IV medication(s). I am trying to learn more about PrEP, but nervous about adding another medication, but would definitely do it. But doing condomless anal with or without PrEP or the like, not going to happen.

Someone above mentioned other STDs. I was born the last year of the baby boomers and for baby boomers you are 5 times more likely to have Hep C than any other generation (per the CDC). No one talks about this. Or what about other STDs. I can infer from the above that someone who is HIV undetectable most likely gets blood tests for the viral load (and I have seen articles about the difference between the viral load in semen vs. blood, so there is still that issues) and probably other tests. I know since being diagnosed with UC 15 years ago, I am much more proactive with my health. But this does not excuse anyone from lying about their status for HIV or any other disease that can be spread via sex. I get tested once or twice a year, whether or not I have had a reason to get retested (read, no responses, not uncluding people telling me it costs to meet them (in non-escort ads on A4A)) and have tested negative. I do not considor myself clean for that reason, I am HIV negative and “clean” as I shower every day.

I am neg but POZ friendly. I work in the HIV field and know from experience that education is needed in the LGBT community. I am also on PrEP.

I am HIV- and am tested (and re-tested) once every 3 months (or so — I must admit it sometimes gets into the 4th month before I go back). Given that I was in college in Atlanta near the beginning of the HIV/AIDS epidemic (and that was a hotspot for AIDS at the time), I consider myself DAMNED LUCKY to have survived.

Today, my A4A profile states that I am DDF, but that I play safely so I am POZ Friendly.

I know for a fact that I have had sex with HIV+ men. I equally know for a fact that some of them (those who are HIV+) LIE about their status — primarily so that they can get laid, believing that being honest about their status prevents them from getting the sex they think they deserve. (absurd, but true).

I have little respect for someone who lies about their health status just so that they can get laid.

However, I am also a member of a “minority” in the “Gay Culture” — I have been pansexual my whole sexual life. (Pansexual is not the same as, but is similar to being bisexual… if you’re curious, apply your Google skills).

When I was in my first live-in relationship, Michael and I were out and proud – even though I had a government security clearance, and depending upon who reviewed it, I could have lost it simply for being gay at the time. I was monogamous, while he was less so. I made the mistake of tolerating this, but only until he started to lie about it. At that, I called things off.

My second such relationship was with a woman — we were married for 13 (well, 10 happy) years. Again, in spite of her belief & protestations to the contrary, I remained faithful (unless, like her, you consider watching porn an act of cheating!). She was less so, including a 2-week “vacation” to see her online lover in Canada. Even so, I didn’t ask for the divorce, SHE did.

Now, I’ve been single for about 3 years… and I miss intimacy. I may be in my 40’s, but I get as much sex as I want… still, precious little intimacy.

Will my next relationship be with a man, a woman, or something in between? I don’t know… but I DO know that the Internet has changed things, and as much as we USED to call singles bars “meat markets” 20 years ago, it is far worse in today’s Internet Age. I have, at times, thought about lying about my perceived negatives: I am divorced, I have kids, etc… but when I think about that, I consider what message it would send to someone that I actually LIKED (for MORE than SEX)… and my own, personal integrity talks me out of it.

Long story short: I would not rule out a long-term relationship with someone living with HIV, even though I am HIV-. Just be honest about your status, because if I find out later you’ve been DISHONEST, that is a violation of trust that would be VERY hard to overcome.

I have to say that i was diagnose 6 years ago and ever since undetectable. I been positive for 10 years, I was young and curious and not knowing my risks i adventured and had sex with my first man, yes I got infected at my first sexual encounter. No one ever spoke to me about HIV and i was very ignorant about it. After my diagnose I gave up I try to commit suicide, i lost many friends but in between all that tragedy I meet some one special, some one that gave me hope, some one that loved me and he was negative. After Two years of relationship we decided mutually to split and go our ways, and ever since it’s been extremely difficult to find a date even a play mate. I’m HIV POz and very open about my status, I’m a professional young guy and I hope I will find my other half. And by the way i will date a HIV neg guy I think and believe in the connection…… We all should educate our friends and family a we are the cure for HIV>>> Spread the word not the virus>>>>>>>>

Gentlemen,

In 1985 I tested positive for HIV. Yes back in the dark ages. I am now 63 and damn proud of it. I think I have a bit of an insight into LIVING with HIV and the abuse that can for with it for over 3 decades.

It is so very, very sad to see how uneducated many of the current generation are. When I hear statements like, “you can get HIV from kissing & sucking cock, I want to scream. Sadly so much of the “risk” information is very misleading. Sexual activities are lumped into very broad categories, and given the same weight. If you drive a car, or ride public transportation or fly, you have a higher risk of dying from that than HIV transmitted through kissing and sucking cock.

I was saddened when I read a profile with the following in caps, “DON’T EVEN CONTACT ME IF YOU HAVE HIV, I WANT TO LIVE A LONG LIFE.” So now we can get diseases through our computers! Wow! I wonder if men reread what they write before they post their profiles.

I have dated 2 Neg men. I ended it with both of them. Even though they were “fine with me being HIV poz” and we played safe, in the end that was a lie. The instant they had a cold or flu they must be “infected.” It gets old after the third time. At least a fellow poz brother understands what it takes to live a long life.

The men all you “neg” guys need to fear are all the guys on PREP fucking anything that moves. With a few missed doses the virus has a chance to mutate and create a new strain that isn’t treated with any of the meds now in the arsenal. PREP is supposed to be in addition to the normal safe sex guidelines, kind of belt and suspenders, instead in many cases it has become the ” I can fuck anyone I want and I’m immune.” There will be a day or reckoning.

Thanks for indulging me. I have the special gift of very good friends and very good long term play mates. We are supportive and caring of each other, and I have a great life.

To the guys who are paralyzed by their fear of HIV and the men who are dealing with it, someday you will have something that will set you apart. Maybe then you will have a sense of the pain your judgment and scorn cause many men who are just trying to live their lives with some love and dignity.

I am not angry with the fools that make their stupid statements, I rather pity them. Ignorance and arrogance are not pretty qualities in any man and when they are aimed at their fellow gay brother…….. that is truly disgusting.

Save your hate mail for someone else. I have heard it all and seen it all and most men who think they need to throw stones, really need to look very deeply into their soul to figure out where their self hate comes from.

Stepping off my soapbox.

Happy Holidays!

I’m sorry but I’m a black cat when it’s about luck….I really have nothing against positive or undetectable people, we can hang out and stuff but sex is a definite no.

perpf is only 92 percent effective guys

Dave….. Thank You for writing an article about this topic of conversation…

I’m HIV Negative and U would say I’m POZ-Friendly. I have absolutely have no problem dating an HIV+ person. I’m a 100% bottom, so I’m always careful. I would totally back up what you said about HIV+ or HIV Undetectable guys being the nicest, most affectionate guys out there. Why treat them any different???? Show some compassion…. I know I do when I come across a wonderful man who is HIV Undetected. They deserve to be treated with love, attention & human decency. If I found a man who is Undetectable, it wouldn’t matter to me because I know that he’s my soul mate. He deserves to be loved just like I do since I struggle with a partial seizure disorder. We all jave something going on. Just be happy you can find love with someone who will love to back.

I too am negative and have dated positive guys. Education and condom use is important especially when the other STD’S are topping the charts and becoming harder to cure. I realize condoms remove a lot of sensitivity but effective. Honesty is best policy. If you fall in love then throw caution to the wind. But in general I have become disenchanted with most all gay guys. No matyer what there is an issue. To old/young, neg/ positive

This is why homos spread AIDS. If you’re infected, keep it to yourself. You’re like zombies trying to infect everyone.

When I was in my early 20’s I dated 3 guys who identified themselves as HIV+ and all 3 of them didn’t care if we used protection or not. In fact, one of them attempted to have sex with me without a rubber and was very nonchalant when I said I didn’t want to contract his disease. His response was, “People don’t die from it anymore!” Since then, every time I meet HIV+ men they ramble off statistics that since I’m a top the likely change of me getting it, is slim to none. I am HIV- and I refuse to date or engage in casual sex with men who identify themselves as HIV+ or men I suspect are HIV+. Additionally, I’m tired of our community focusing on these types of conversations. A more interesting conversation would be; why don’t HIV+ men date one another? We would discover that most of them aren’t interested in one another. Lastly, I am African American. Do you know how many times I’ve been told I am not good enough b/c I’m black. Something I can’t change about myself. We all have preferences and mine isn’t to date anyone who is HIV+. We can be the best of friends, share food, water, even talk on the phone! But I draw the line at splashing fluids in bed together.

This is an interesting topic,i gave a speech a semester ago on this and most people in the class made comments like we already know about it. I was just wondering how many people knew the difference between HIV and AIDS, knew the mode of transmissions and its prevention. You get so stigmatized being positive with anything,i was recently diagnosed of having hepatitis B which i did not know what it was. I was so scared,decided to read more about the subject then with more analysis and a confirmation now that my elder brother has symptoms points that i got it from birth. I mention that to guys and they either log out or keep silent. I had sex with a guy always protected and when i found out i was hep. b positive i emailed him that he has a chance to make it right he needs to be tested if he was not sure of being vaccinated,what did he do he blamed me,hated me and will not talk to me again. I did not know i had that virus in my system and i will never intentionally infect someone knowing that i have something like that. I had always cared and showed much concern to the guys i meet who are HIV positive because i just believe it could be me,or you . Education is the key and hope most guys especially will take the time to educate themselves and stop acting like knuckle heads or excuse me to say very ignorant. Get to know people before you judge,stigmatize them and be mean spirited towards them.

One thing I can’t stand is cliches,stereotypes and ignorant people. I am HIV negative and I do not really know much about the subject! This is what I know for fact: True Love and Compassion does not come with ultimatums! I always make it a point to read profiles and I can make up my mind even before I get to the status section! Of course we all know guys are not completely honest. So props to the ones that keep it real! I still don’t know why people feel locked in if you set a date because the concept is simple you either want to invest time to get to know the person or not! It is dangerous for anyone to think that they are immune to this because like the article states there are several ways to contract.

the ones who are talking up the word “undetectable” are poz guys who want to continue the behavior that got them infected in the first place

I have no reservation being with an HIV positive guy as long as we both agree to have safe sex.
I have reserched alot but feel that we need to reserch more.

Hello Dave after reading your article I was very pleased that you addressed this issue. I am a 54 year old Hiv negative Man. I never thought I would ever date anyone Positve due to my lack of understanding and education, until about 15 years ago. I was in a relationship with a Man that was Positve, We found out 3 years into the relationship. I had never been tested due to the fear of just knowing that I was. After finding out his status I had a choice to either continue to be in denial or do the right thing and get tested. We were having unprotected sex at times in that 3 years and I just knew I was. Got tested and my results were negative, that is when I realized that because someone is positive doesn’t mean you are or you will get the virus. I continue to get tested and the results are still negative. However I’m very cautious of dating now because of the fear of someone purposely playing a game you just don’t play.Allow me to make the choice by telling me the truth about your status. I’ve been cursed out threatened and downright told I was wrong for asking. I will date a Positve Man that lives his life with a purpose .

Hey dave! THIS IS HUGE! I just wanted you to know if you didnt already. That a child and an adult have been cured of hiv! I think you should email me and ill get you all the articles so you can post them on here!