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Health : Let’s Talk About HIV

As gay and bisexual men, it can be overwhelming — and in some cases, downright exhausting — to keep HIV at the front of our minds and on the tip of our tongues. But talking about it, with a friend, a doctor or a potential partner, can ease our anxieties and potentially change our thinking and our actions for the better.

Starting the conversation is often easier said than done, which is why I’ve listed four conversation-starters for gay and bisexual men, developed by gay and bisexual men**:

1. With a Partner: “Have you ever been treated for a sexually transmitted infection (STI)?”

Much has been written about the harm in asking a potential partner if they’re “clean,” when what you really want to know is whether they have an STI. Not only does the “clean” question stigmatize those living with HIV (or some other viral infection), it may not yield particularly helpful information for managing your sexual risk. Many STIs, including HIV, may not show discernible signs or symptoms, which might cause someone to answer your question earnestly, but incorrectly. Additionally, we now know that people living with HIV who consistently take their medication can significantly reduce their risk of transmission by as much as much 96 percent. This means there’s no need to call it quits simply because someone you like may have HIV. Instead of declining that second date, you might ask the person about their HIV treatment instead. It will show that you’ve done your homework and that you are willing to take the conversation to a place beyond “drug and disease free.”

2. With a Provider: “Do you feel comfortable talking to me about PrEP?”

Recently, it seems not a day goes by without someone saying something about PrEP, the once-daily pill meant to reduce risk of HIV infection. PrEP may not be for everyone, but it very well could be for you. And the only way to know for sure is by talking to a knowledgeable health care provider who can help you make that decision. Unfortunately, many practitioners still don’t know all that much about gay and bisexual men’s health — let alone PrEP. While some efforts have recently been made to rectify this problem, it does not appear to be going away anytime soon. Therefore, you might consider asking your provider what they know about PrEP before delving into a conversation about whether it might be right for you. The San Francisco AIDS Foundation offers this helpful piece of advice: “If your doctor simply doesn’t know what [PrEP] is and is uncomfortable prescribing it, ask them for a referral to someone who might be better able to meet your needs…If they say they don’t know anyone to refer you to, ask whether it might be possible to be referred to an HIV specialist.”

3. With a Partner: “Do you think it might be time for us to start getting tested together?”

Many gay and bisexual men continue to believe that the only people who contract HIV are those with multiple sexual partners. While number of sexual partners is certainly one risk factor for transmission, an increasing number of gay and bisexual men are acquiring the virus from their primary partner. In fact, recent estimates put the number around 68 percent. With more and more same-sex couples choosing to be “monogamish,” it is essential for gay and bisexual men to to talk openly and honestly with partners about their sexual risk-taking. Testing together is better than not testing all, especially if you and your partner have chosen to stop using condoms. Talking to your partner about routine HIV testing isn’t a measure of sexual infidelity, but emotional maturity.

4. With a Provider/Test Counselor: “What happens if the test comes back positive for HIV?”

Sitting down for an HIV test can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially if you try to recall every sexual encounter you’ve had in the months or years leading up to it. Rather than fixate on the number of times you might’ve been exposed to the virus, you could turn the experience into an important learning opportunity. Scientists know far more about HIV today than they did 10 or 15 years ago, but often that information does not trickle down to the average gay or bisexual man. For example, the medicines used to treat HIV are safer and more effective than they’ve ever been before. Nowadays, it’s entirely possible for someone newly diagnosed with HIV to lead a long, healthy life. The trick is knowing where to go and who to talk to in the event you do test positive, so you can immediately connect to care. Talking to a health care provider or counselor about HIV before there’s cause for concern will prepare you for living a sexually fulfilling life no matter the outcome.

These are just are just four of the many conversations gay and bisexual men can — and should — be having about their sexual health broadly, and HIV, specifically. How these conversations unfold will depend largely on race, class, gender, age and other core aspects of identity. Perhaps the one thing we can all agree on is that talking about HIV with honesty and integrity is essential for the collective well being of gay and bisexual men everywhere.

Check out the Human Rights Campaign’s“HIV/AIDS” topic page, where you can get answers to Frequently Asked Questions about HIV, debunk common myths, gain helpful information about PrEP and PEP, and learn more about the impact of HIV on the LGBT community. Join the conversation around National Gay Men’s HIV/AIDS Awareness Day by using #NGMHAAD.

**I’d like to thank Renato Barucco, Adam Eickmeyer, Kevin Henry, James Hinson, Marcos Garcia, Jeff Krehely, Michael Toumayan and the other gay and bisexual men who contributed to this piece.

Noël


There are 42 comments

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  1. MistrFistr

    MORE HIV industry propaganda form the SF-based “HIV pimps”. Look, guys…I’m NEG, STAYED neg through the holocaust of the ’80s, and will CONTINUE to be neg, because I STAY INFORMED. Being “clean” means just that…”CLEAN” from HIV and other STD infection. Screw this PC shit…you’re either CLEAN or your DIRTY…PERIOD. It’s not appropriate for a potential partner to lead into the HIV conversation with a question like that…silly really. Better? The neg guy says, “Look…I’m an HIV negative (top/bottom/switch/FFer/whatever)..and I’m going to lay out what my policy is and see if you agree.” Only do this when you are EDUCATED with the FACTS of latest transmission rates during various different activities with various different types of partners (unknown/known and treated/known and off their meds (worst case ever, but they’re out there, sometimes known as being “off the reservation.”) can you BEGIN to set boundaries and parameters for having good sex…and eliminating other activities that might jeopardize YOUR HEALTH. You don’t want HIV…I’ve seen over 100 of my friends, lovers, buds and acquaintances die of this bug. BE DIRECT, TO THE POINT, and FORGET THE PC BS…this is your LIFE we’re talking about, not someone’s fucking “feelings.” You get sketchy or contrived answers, pack your grip, bid him good night, and head home…it’s over. I’ve done that, been berated for that…bottom line, I’m still neg…they’re either POZ or DUBIOUS, and if they’re poz they will stay that way for life. No one on this earth will ever “gift” me because they’re a little too high on T or poppers. BEHAVIOR DRIVES OUTCOMES, and this is how I’ve stayed neg for over 35 years. Don’t want to take the time to do your due diligence and research? Either go celebate or prepare for the worst, because you’re going to get it. Oh, and you HIV pimp industry beggars, whose email I have in my auto-trash list? Might as well give up, because you’re NOT getting my money, my time or anything else do buoy those nice six figure salaries you get paid to run your “begging” campaigns to fatten Gilead’s (makers of Truvada®, which will soon be obsolete) coffers. PreP??? WHAT A JOKE! You think this crap WORKS? It lessens your chance of infection with the SAME PARTNER by only 51%….51%!!!! Oh, and DID YOU KNOW that Gilead’s “official” recommendations are that PrEP is for “monogamous homosexual male partners?” Show me ONE gay married couple who’s 100% monogamous, and I’ll show you a RARE couple indeed! And those wonderful side effects? No thanks…if I wanted side effects and “brain fog,” I’ll just get some poz dick to breed me a couple hundred times a join the “club!” RANT OVER.

  2. david dale

    Thank you for bringing HIV to your blog. Having lived 31 yrs with hiv/aids, am disappointed with hiw many of us are barebacking. There are at least 4,000 people still contracting HIV. Has no one listened to the past close to 40 years of info on Hiv/Aids?

  3. Jesse

    I’ve noticed many men listing their status as undetectable. Do people with “undetectable” HIV status test positive or negative on AT HOME HIV testting kits like Oraquick?

  4. Aaron

    I appreciate this article a lot. I’ve been positive for 6 years now and had to go through some pretty gruesome medical stuff in order to get healthy again. The strain of virus that I had mutated twice and resisted a lot of the medication that was out there; then I was taking Atripla and it made me go crazy, lol, so everyone was very worried. I also developed Cancer because my immune system was so compromised (my doctor didn’t do any blood tests for HIV or Cancer so both diseases were free to grow and go wild for about 6 months before I finally found a doctor who knew what they were doing).

    At this point my Cancer is at a standstill and I’m undetectable so I’m in a very healthy place – but after all of that I had to start dealing with the gay population in my area who basically ran away and never spoke to me again once they found out I was positive. Dating just seemed like an unattainable dream and when I did find a date, it was very short lived because they didn’t want to be with someone who had HIV.

    I’m still single, and certainly not whiny about it neither do I play a victim-woe-is-me type personality, but reading articles like this does put a mending balm on the wound that is my no-dating-life. It’s good to see that not all people are uneducated or scared and that maybe I don’t have to close the dating room altogether. Cheers!

  5. justme45

    The fact that no one has commented on this particular topic speaks volumes! It’s 2014 and the subject still seems to be taboo. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! There should be hundreds, even thousands of comments, whether good or bad, about this topic!

  6. John

    I am 61 and was diagnosed in 1988. Today, and for the past several years, I have been undetectable and disease free. There is always hope!

  7. Scott

    Reduction in risk for forward transmission is 100% for poz guys who have been on meds greater than 6 months. Even if they are blipping and have another raging STI too. Statistical this statement has a 95% probability of being true. Get the facts. Google “PARTNER Study and HIV”

  8. Trppnfule

    I’m sorry but after reading the blog about douching and using an ear syringe …. I cAnt take this blog serious at all. Dehydrated colon? Wtf are u talking about? I was amazed as I kept reading how WRONG u were. I’ve used a shower shot for over 10 years. Takes me a FULL HOUR before I’m confident enough that nobody… Not even the biggest dick will hit shit. All those dudes saying they don’t want to know or see there partner douching cuz it’s feminine are stupid as fuck. Would they rather SHIT GOES EVERYWHERE?? Shit smells do not wash out easily dumb fucks. That’s the lamest blog ever regarding anal sex and u shouldn’t be so careless with ur recommendations … Apparently there are those who listen to you… And I pity them. Make it right man

  9. Kevin

    Please remember that people living with HIV – AIDS are still people, we are all human, and when we disclose here on a4a, your support is invaluable to us, not silence, or being “blocked”. We’re all in this together, and it effects everyone. Thank you and take care.

  10. Tibor

    Good article. I like the fact it mentions the prevalence of transfer from partners. Seems like everyone I know who has it today got it in a “monogamous” relationship. I don’t get the judgement. Back in the day when there was no treatment options gay men stood united and cared for one another. Now, in a time when there are myriad options and it’s no longer fatal and many people live perfectly healthy lives, the level of spiteful ranting and stigma astonishes me. Anyway, the one thing no one comments on that bears thinking about is the new fashion for shaved pubes and genitals. I see guys all the time now with nicks or cuts or razor burn. Breaking the integrity of the skin barrier significantly increases the risk of transmission of all STD’s, most significantly for HIV for which the skin is a fairly effective barrier. So guys the next time you pick up that razor you might want to reconsider and just go for a trim instead.

  11. DLK

    My first partner was HIV+, did not make him a different person or how I felt about him. What I object too is a guy not being honest about his status, even when the conversation is brought up. Met a guy, not through a4a and he was dishonest about being positive, thank to friends I was informed. Had the conversation with him again, which made him angry, and found out he refused to take medication. We dated for four months, nothing ever happened. To my dismay, he refusal to take meds was because of his meth use. HIV meds cause a triple high with Meth, which could lead to immediate overdose and death.

    So guys please be honest with what you have and if you have an addiction, don’t put another trusting man at a health risk for your enjoyment.

  12. Alex

    Wow. MistrFistr–consider therapy & Prozac. 96% if your VL is undetectable for 5 yrs or more. 50% beyond that with PreP. That makes the odds 98%. You stand a greater chance of getting hit by a bus. By all means protect yourself. The only guarantee is abstenance, & how dare ANYONE call someone “dirty” because of a disease & then attempt to justify it by pulling the “some of my friends” card. Sod off.

  13. PPD

    I,M HIV FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS I HAVE MY SHARE OF BAD MEDICATION JUDGE MENTAL DOCTOR A LOT IN NEW YORK .BEING HIV WA NOT THE WORST BUT DEALING WITH BUREAUCRACY CDC,THE BATTLE WITH INSURANCE GOING ON MEDICAID AND STILL BEING JUDGE BECAUSE OF MY HIV DISCRIMINATION LAW REMEMBER SOMEONE WROTE IS BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING OR NOT KNOWING YOU CAN SPEND 25 YEARS IN JAIL FOR NOT HAVING SAY YOU ARE POZ BUT YOU CAN,T GO IN JAIL IF YOU DON,T KNOW YOU ARE POZ SO WHERE TO START IS BY TELLING LAWMAKERS TO CHANGE THAT IS TRUE YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR PARTNER PROCTECT HIM AND YOURSELF TOO .STOP JUDGING PEOPLE FOR COLOR OR HIV PEOPLE THIS CONTRY JUST LOVE LABEL FOR HUMAN OR ANYTHING ELSE

  14. johnboy

    I hate when they put that they are clean and you should be and only looking for clean. How you they know that person is clean. They can easy say yes.

  15. Slimmie

    An ex of mine is HIV+; we found out after we have been dating for 2 months. When we started dating, I didn’t use a condom (I’m a top) and after we found out he was poz…most of you will judge me for this, but go right ahead…I did not use condoms. It was my choice. We were together for almost 3 years. I am still negative 5 years later. I don’t encourage anyone else to do this, but a couple of my friends knew what we were doing called it a death sentence. I don’t believe it is a death sentence as it once was. I took a risk and we both used precaution, as we are both very clean and healthy men. We are still close friends and have a special bond. I truly believe if we used meth or any other party drugs and played with others, it would’ve probably been a different outcome. Again, I don’t encourage this, just sharing my story.

  16. victorieux lemonde

    Gay people makes me sick.The idea of being in a room full of gay guys scares the crap out of me and I am not the only one .There are some gay guys out there who are living in fear due to this stereotype that society have of our communities.Instead, of proving them wrong we get on social sites like so argue of its purpose and then meet random guys for cum dumps.Parents are denying their kids’ happiness because of us. It was nt too long ago when a mother compared me to her gay son . Its not the she was mad at the idea of a gay son but rather hunted by losing her only son to AIDS.A lot of mothers are nurses so they witness a lot of gay people coming in and not walking out. We scream for equality and all this B.S but what we are not realizing is that our actions are getting us nowhere. I cannot tell you how many guys have hit me up asking for barebacks? my thoughts are always wow I wonder If they re some type of god? a god who can see a + or – status as a halo upon my head? After so many approaches, I have had no pity for anyone who have contracted any STDs. The chances of it being passed on due to no fault of its carrier have been proven to be quite slim. I do however feel for those who was born with these diseases and will continue to think only of them every time I march. The thing that pisses me off the most is seeing young kids without a displayed status and advertising barebacks. Like really guys? None of you guys are aware of all the problems that HIV will have on your health. I am studying to become a doctor trust me HIV is something you want to stay away from. Especially, if you have no clue of what else your health had in store for you in the future.There are people out there who are taking 50 or more pills a day. some that are battling cancer or any other mutation that were already coded from family tree and so on.It is not that easy I m telling you. And to think that any little illness such as a cold can bring on other fatal illnesses is no fun. Wrap it up! Protect yourself and your fellow Gay family! We are already a target by others so ? Its so funny how no one commented on this lol but let it have been about sex nd dirtiness

  17. OutKast

    On a personal note, I believe the reasons why most Gay males do not want to talk about it is because of the stigma,miseducation and propaganda behind HIV/AIDS. I personally know people who are whores and bareback all the time and are still “Neg”,I know guy’s who have only said they have barebacked one or twice and are now “Poz”… now whether that is true or not is unknown but I am sure there are many out there who can relate. I have walked the streets and have seen billboards with new meds stating that the particular med attacks and kills the HIV virus, but yet we have no cure? I have been on medical sites with doctors you can chat with saying that transmission is low for a particular “risque” act where other CDC sites say its VERY HIGH… Have seen and read sites that say for particular ethnicities, transmission can and does occure relatively easier in one race than in any other.. I mean everything you read contradicts something else, until someone actually gets tested and ends up “Poz”.. For me personally this has a making of a conspiracy and why most people do not want to know… I have talked to a Gay male nurse in a candid discussion and he himself told me the he believes that HIV is a virus just like cold and it leaves a marker in your body, and that HIV/AIDS does not kill you but its the meds they put you on that do, which in a sense does KIND-OF makes and also raises the question on why some doctors will not put you on meds right away when your first infected and why some doctors will, They all typically will say the samething ” It depends on the person”.. but is that really the case? I know plenty of people who live healthy lives ( no drugs, non smoker,etc) who all have different treatments depending on the doctor and “T cell” count BUT did you know your T cell count is always fluctuating up and down even if you do not have HIV and or AIDS? If you have allergies this will happen and a common reason for colds and flu..etc.. I am not trying to sound anti anything but just tryinh to give some perspective on why some people just do not want to know.

  18. Synn

    “the level of spiteful ranting and stigma astonishes me.”

    It shouldn’t.

    It’s pretty obvious why, at least to me:
    Because while treatment options have increased, so has education and availability of preventative techniques. Often at little-to-no cost.

    Try to have as much compassion and understanding as possible to someone who got it in the ’80s or early ’90s, when there was so little known and so much conflicting information.

    Call it an emotional deficiency, but I just don’t have the ability to feel that same compassion for some idiotic 20something who goes around barebacking in the 2010s and ends up with that shit. No sympathy. At all.

    I’m not alone.

  19. einathens

    I agree, everyone should test regularly, be honest about their status, and engage in open, non-judgmental discussion.

    But that isn’t realistic.

    Take whatever steps you feel necessary to protect yourself as you see fit. Potential partners are free to follow them or not have sex with you, just as you are free to accept or decline their parameters.

  20. mike

    why are there so many young men deliberately going out to get HIV from poz guys. some call themselves “bugchasers”. Can you imagine if the men in the 80’s could witness that kind of action? Maybe some do

  21. marc

    My brother died of AIDS and cancer in 1995. AZT did not work for him, but he also smoked and drank heavily. I was diagnosed positive six years ago this month. I am undetectable (on Atripla, no side effects), eat healthily, don’t drink alcohol or smoke, and exercise daily. I have an extremely active social, love, and sex

  22. marc

    Life. My point is: there has been major changes in living with HIV/AIDS. I am living testament to that. My HIV was caught soon after infection, and I became undetectable soon after starting the Atripla. I am still undetectable after six years.

  23. Jimmm

    This politicly correct stuff is bs. STI….. Really? How about we leave it STD. Disease sounds scarier to young people and maybe they will think more.

  24. Vipr Slade

    This is a response message to what the so eloquently named MISTRFISTR has indeed let his feelings fly. First of all, are you kidding me?? Do you absolutely believe the words that you speak?? Youre a dumbass, and one of the reasons that STIGMA around this disease is still prevalent in this day. Just because youre an educated person on this “propaganda” bullshit, as you say, does not make you invisible to HIV. Obviously researching all of these so called “lies” has kept you negative, says you!

    If you have actually done your research you would be praising how far this epidemic has really come. Well you should already know, since you have countless friends, lovers, etc. succumb to this disease….but I digress. I as well have friends that survived the prejudices and juddgements of the 80s. One in particular friend, in his 60s, was diagnosed merely 3 years ago and was just as educated as you are. Doesnt hang with that bitch Tina, never partied, rarely drinks, but here he is, 64 living with HIV, in excellent health. Beacause of the treatments and meds that you so candidly speak against. My research has led me to believe that TruVada works at diminishing the tramission of the virus. Which is why I am on PrEP, as a negative guy. Absolutely fabulous guy too, better ask somebody!! And can absolutely respect a man for being honest with me about his status. In fact, I would rather sleep with a responsible, on their regimen, infected guy, (and i have, ie my 64 yo friend. Along with being knowledgeable and educated, im an open minded individual who can see beauty in anyone. Also cuz hes got a fucking huge cock, and i suffer from a cock hungry syndrome i cant and dont want to get control of. Girl DICK IS A BEAUTIFUL THING AND WILL MAKE YOU ACT OUT. LOL WHERE MY HOES AT!!!!!)
    than a troll who has no clue what his HIV status is, or even worse, doesnt care and willingly spreads the virus. (REMEMBER INVISIBILITY I SPOKE OF EARLIER, MMM HMM. AS AN OLDER GAY MAN, YOUR READING ABILITIES CANT SURPASS A FUCKING LIAR WHOS NARCISSISTIC ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE HES NEG. Sketchy or not) Which is why I take preventative and necessary steps to protect myself, cuz for one you cant trust any horny troll, and two, its hard out here for a pimp. haha!

    Regardless if TruVada is or isnt effective in your eyes, it certainly wasnt an option in the “holocaustic” 80s you lived through. Big industry has and will probably always be, a governing pariah whose intent is to get richer. Get over it MISTR. Along with the bad, comes the good, where people live healthy longer lives and transmission is almost non existent. Open your eyes silly man, HIV is real and closer than ever to finding a cure. When that happens, I want to be around you, with your foot in your mouth and your fist up an ass, which works well for the rest of us sensible homos, cause we can laugh and take the money that you selfishly guarded because of the way you think. ALL TEA ALL SHADE HONEY! Wake up with a new sense of enlightenment, and leave youre holocaust way of thinking in the past. Its 2015, almost, act like youre really educated and quit spreading your nasty opinion on something that could ultimately happen to you. Rant over, Library open for reading boys!

  25. Blaine

    Are you guys insane or just plain ignorant? HIV kills, it destroys, it alienates, it gradually erodes at the very core of humanity. Expose yourself if you so desire, but I clearly avoid individuals with this potentially deadly disease. To hell with political correctness and open-mindedness. We’re talking about the difference between life & death…..get a clue! lol 🙂

  26. R

    I’m glad you dared to write this article, backed up by links to other reputable and useful pages. I did my research long ago, and you really are accurate. I concur with the 6-month undetectable ruling, which was concluded by a team of Swiss physicians, but I cannot fault American physicians who recommend staying on daily meds as assurance.

    For the man who asked if “undetectable” would test positive or negative, let me clear up the fear factor, for it is a common misconception. “Undetectable” does NOT mean “stealth HIV”. It does NOT mean the virus hides from detection. It means that, to the level of sensitivity of the assay, there was no virus detected. The same is true of a guy who never tested positive: if he had less virus than the test could detect, he would be told his test was negative. “Undetectable” means a guy tested positive before (and on the confirmation test) but after his treatment, he consistently does not show a detectable level of virus. He could be free of virus. He could have a trace amount. Doctors always want to be cautious, so they dare not say the treated man is “negative” although his test was negative. That’s just being prudent.

    Realistically, though, one must ask who is riskier: a man who admittedly tests “undetectable” regularly, after a regimen of medication (or better yet, still on regimen); or a man who says he is “negative” because he hasn’t gotten recently tested to find out whether he might be positive; or a guy who admits he doesn’t know because he wasn’t tested. Every honest man here knows the answer.

    As to the protest about political correctness, I acknowledge everyone’s right to his view, and I concur that evasiveness or dishonesty would be worthy of rejection; but I absolutely do not consider cruelty to an honest man to be acceptable. Humanity is NOT “politically correct”. It is simply RIGHT. If you cannot deal with a “poz/undetectable” liaison, simply admit it, thank him for his honesty, and move on. Meanness only encourages lying, which does no good. And stress weakens the immune system, so hateful behavior helps things not at all.

    Thanks for a mature, useful, timely article. Only by dialogue can we thrive–together–as humans, and as men!

  27. JC

    “R” I agree with some of what you write and applaud your spirit. I especially agree that (safe) sex with an undetectable man who previously tested poz is MUCH safer than sex with a man claiming to be Neg, or worse yet doesn’t even know.

    However, I must disagree on what I think you’re saying “undetectable” actually means. Have you ever known anyone who was poz, went on a good antiviral, and became undetectable? Sure, most of us know guys like that today.

    But what about those who go off the reservation? (i.e., stop taking their meds compliantly–or worse, stop altogether–for myriad reasons.) Are you saying they will never be detectable again? That the virus is gone forever? Or did I misread between your lines?

    If you’ve known guys who stopped their meds (developed bad side effects, had issues with insurance, just couldn’t stay on a schedule, had delivery or access issues, just quit for no particular reason etc.) you know the answer. The meds we have today are a miracle, and we are all better off because of them. But they are only a therapy, not a cure.

    As you say, 96% effective (so long as you’re compliant–and therefore 4% ineffective, as I do the math).

    We all await a “real” cure. We will know we have one when everyone who partakes of the “real” cure NEVER reverts back to detectable. In the meantime, our array of new meds keep improving, and combined with the older proven safer sex practices are very effective so long as you are totally compliant and you never end your marriage with good meds.

  28. mecocklover

    Question 1: How is it relevant today whether someone had a case of crabs or the clap 20 years ago when they were in college?

    Question 2: Asking about coverage with your insurer should be in here somewhere. As my insurer does not cover any portion of the $10,000+/year cost of PrEP, asking my doctor about it is an exercise in futility since I don’t have the extra thousands of dollars to buy the drug even if he gave me a scrip.

    Question 3: Having anyone else in the room invalidates the doctor/patient confidentiality privilege. “Testing together” is totally unneeded if you’re getting tested son your own. If you don’t trust your partner to tell you if he tests positive himself, then you shouldn’t be with him.

    Question 4: This is perhaps the only good question on the list, imho, though anyone who administers the testing should be trained to go over this automatically. Actually asking the question shouldn’t be necessary.

  29. Steve

    Despite all the raging and moralistic posturing the fear is palatable in some of your comments. After reading this I understand why a lot of poz guys are choosing to lie straight to your face and say they are negative with out the slightest bit of guilt.

    The hysteria conspiracy theory and unfounded fear. You are as bad as flat earthers.

    And you drama queen poz guys. Stop spreading the hysteria to get attention. It is really just a pill a day no side effects and undetectable does mean impossible to transmit. When you really dig into it most of your problems are co-morbidities, problems you would have with or without HIV. Stop smoking eat properly exercise live a healthy life and you would b suprised how quickly those side effects recede.

    Excluding longterm survivors who truly are heroes for surviving this long and have a hard road ahead all you other poz guys should just take your pills stay linked to care and forget about it. HIV is no big deal. Cigarettes drugs abusive self destructive behavior those are problems.

    So how do we fix this sad pathetic tired narrative for so many of you guys who have never enjoyed sex without fear and guilt?

  30. slave z all tlk

    Read almost all. Here is my thoughts on this. If you’re straight for real stay there, but remember just because u are told u or told someone Ur tested negative. Won’t hold ice.me 17 yrs poss on meds. Undetected today in 5 hours my life could change but make sure u know where I’m coming from . This is just the way it is. Murder is a serious word ????????? RIGHT.

  31. talon

    my ex blamed me for giving him hiv. I was and am still negative. he wont tell what really happened. I read what people go through and i smh. cause I could never shun him. part of me still loves him… i wish I could tell him, but i think he’s stuck on blaming me…i don’t know why. sorry i dont wanna think about him anymore…
    People and places Ive been i have discovered alot of people who act like hiv isnt out there…its disgusting… even the places to hangout (in sf) promote uninhibited gay sex…i stopped drinking alot cause of those places…i dont care when im drunk…or buzzed. bEST TIME TO GET IT.

  32. meh

    I could care less about your “stigma”. Once infected you are pretty much just a bio-hazard to me and are to be avoided at all costs. 96% isn’t enough. I and many others don’t deal in chance. What gets me is that you seem to be so biased towards these people. I mean you don’t even require that you put your status on here as part of the profile making process. Even if you do put your status as neg you don’t require testing dates and whether it was just HIV or a full panel etc. Even sites like xtube give you the option of selecting other STIs. HIV is a LIFE THREATENING disease like hep c, TB or Ebola. HIV patients are even isolated in dialysis centers because of this. The Iso room is a room with all of its own equipment that is never to leave that room. It’s even got it’s own spill bucket and reversed air pressure. If you don’t believe me just go to one. If you’re born with it it’s one thing and that sucks. The rest of you made that choice so I have NO sympathy for you. You don’t have to BB or practice any other unsafe sex practices like just giving oral. I would NEVER do anything bare with someone unless we both got tested at the same time ad have proof. Stop making it sound like people are being prejudiced. That’s only for things that you have no control over like skin color or your first language. UNSAFE SEX IS, ALWAYS HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE A CHOICE. Like it or leave it, but don’t complain to me.

  33. Scott

    Hey Mhe…

    I contracted HIV while practising 100% safe sex. Been sexually active for 25 years and avoided it. No idea how when where or who infected me.

    Wish I would have known then what I know now. Condoms are only 70% effective.

  34. AJ

    Like Blaine can’t just pick a new email address and keep writing. Don’t be an ass, Dave; he’s as entitled to his opinion as anyone else on here. Even you.


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