Gay Stuff : Do They Know You Are Gay?

I’m out. I’ve lost a sister, my niece and nephew and her husband whom I could care less. It is not talked about unless I bring it up. I don’t care what anyone thinks.

Total closet case here… Wrking on that tho :/ My Ex was a cop who was also Italian to the core and his closet soddered shut :0

My partner and I have been together for five years. I think my family has an indication…although we don’t talk about it. I’m sure his family has an indication, but he is terrified they may find out. His mother passed away, and based on their non-existent religious beliefs she was creamated and an extremely small service was held at the funeral home. Although I supported him through his pain and his lost, he “acidentally” didn’t hit send on the text that included the funeral details and location. Although I am not an open book with my lifestyle….but it does seem depressing being buried soooo far in the closet.

Simple!! if the question comes up, an honest answer is given and if the person(s) don’t approve—oh well!!! they can either act as if normal,ignore me/us or distance themselves from me/us. could not care less of what others say–family, friend, co-worker, whomever. but fair warning—this person does not take face-to-face criticisms lightly.

I thought being in an open relationship meant that either partner could fuck around on one another and it would be ok.

Everybody knows. Was closeted for many years and raised a family. When I finally came out, I came out to God and everybody.

hi,,,well my family/friends,my own kids know i,m gay and there so kool with it,,,i did have a few friends that don,t want nothing to do with me cause they told me dicks are for chic,s,,,i told them you don,t like or approve that i,m gay then fuck off and don,t bother me,,,guess what they have nothing to do with me,,,the way i see it you loose a friend you gain a friend,,,my own kids want me to fine a boyfriend and settle down,,,i told them i,m to old for dating or have a boyfriend,,,i told them i,m out to have a good time before i kick the bucket,,,i told my friends and kids you except me for who i am and the way i act or no go cause i,m am who i am and not going to change it for anyone,,not in person or in public,,,they have no problem!!!!

First off I have to say that I have the best family in the whole world…when I came out it was like no big deal, my four brothers and I have always been close and we all really get along…even the sisters-in-laws, are very close.
I have had a couple of boy friends that I have brought to family gatherings and they have been welcomed with open arms…as a matter of fact I think they all liked my choices of boy friends better then my choice of a wife. Even my kids have excepted me for who I am and my life choice, because life is way to short to be miserable and I wished I would have taken the comin out step a lot earlier…the only ones that do not know that I am gay are the ones I work with…and I figure it is none of their business

I agree…being gay is nothing special, secret or a special club anymore….the article is as far as I’m concerned, is a reach for something special…which in essence isn’t anymore

If I was the boyfriend, that guy wouldn’t been dumped before the car was warmed up. What an unbelievable coward! I won’t even hook up with someone who isn’t totally out. I mean if the guy wants to be so childish to be in the closet at his age, that’s his problem, but he’s literally dragging his partner of 7 or 8 years back into the closet with him. My head always spins when I hear about something like this, even when I read “out-no” + “looking for relationship” on an a4a profile.

I am currently in a relationship with a guy and I really don’t know how to tell my parents, my mother knows I’m bisexual but I don’t know how she will react if she knew I Had a boyfriend, I’m very sad and confused right now, any suggestions?

i believe its a complicated situation. i was at a young age of 19 dating a 23 year old guy and he was openly out to his family and i grew up in a religious home with a single mother. when i moved out after i graduated i then begun to see what the world had to offer i had meet this guy from this site and i had told my mom that he was a friend from school and introduced him as that to avoid my family thinking anything about us spending so much time together. i feel for him hard like any young guy would i developed strong emotions for him and i would have done everything for him. he then asked me if i would be his boy friend official but that i would have to come out to my family i put alot of thought into this and told him no and so he then became distant and i had asked what the issue was and he told me he cant love some one who was afraid to be them self and that i was ashamed for being gay. it wasnt that i was ashamed i just didnt think my mom and family would be very accepting and i didnt know the out come but i feared the most. after a few weeks of finally coming to a conclusion i built the courage to tell my mom so one morning on my way to school i called my mom crying telling her that i had something very important and if she would no matter what love me. i broke down into tears telling her mom i am gay and i am seeing someone she then told me not to tell anyone that but that i was just going threw a phase and that it was the devil in my head telling me lies. at that time i was living with my aunt and so by the time i got home my belongings were packed my mom wanted me to go to a rehab to help me but it wasnt what i felt was right. my whole family cut me off because they didnt want to get in between or involved i then told the guy i was with and he did a complete 180 telling me that he can be with some one who doesnt have a who supports him morally. i had no where to go i became homeless and very depressed living out of my car trying to finish the semester and one day i tried to take my life because i was so alone i look back at that day january 26 2008 and remind my self that this is my 2nd chance to be me gay straight or bi but that in everything that i do i would do for me and what made me happy a couple of years later my mom came around and as did my family they love me more then ever and regardless of who fucked up a situation came out of it i am a happier person and truly know how blessed i am to be me

I believe most family members know that most guys roommates that have been together for sometime and tend to spend there lives together doing different fuctions, going on vacation, partys and such together have a prettty good idea the guys are more then just roommates. But weather you openly acknowledge the relationship or not is a tuff question for most of us. Most family members don’t mind talking about there partner and the goings ons between them when asked, but for unfortunatly people still want to live in denile, what isn’t talked about, they don’t have to wonder about.

I would have said that I’m not hiding a damn thing from anyone and if that’s an issue then I can go home and we can re-evaluate this so called “relationship” when you get home. Grow a pair tell them they can deal with it or kiss my ass.

Anyone that is being rejected from family or friends may contact me, I would like to be a friend to you, you don’t have to be lonely, rejected… I came out, been divorced, disowned by family, friends and now HIV +……. Life is still good for the most part though, and will get better, foresure…… [email protected]

Everyone knows, my dad doesn’t approve. He knows too but seems like he believes as long as its not discussed it will not be true. No one talks to him about it. I don’t care. Some people think I’m being inconsiderate. I tell them I think they’re being stupid. When I myslf don’t hide it from him.

Ive got a mixed bag on this one, I think you have to test the waters. I had a bf for years and he insisted that I tell them openly even though they included him for every family function and holiday. I said that I would when I felt it was right. He on the other had rammed it down his familys throats, they dont speak. The boyfriend is gone but me and my family are open and doing fine. His family still to this day doesnt talk to him. The “my way or the highway” approach isnt always in your best interest.

I’ve been attacked and called gay since I was 8 (back before sex with either gender never crossed my mind); as an adult who is gay, I don’t feel the need to hide what I am. I’m as proud of being gay as I am of being black and being male; if the way nature molded me is too much for others to handle, that has nothing to do with me; I accept not responsibility for anyones ignorance.

My fam knows I’m gay and some are homophobic; it doesn’t bother me because a.) I know how shitty their lives are b.) They’re upset that I’ve met some very great gay men while they continue struggling for a heterosexual mate that’s interested in them c.) My homosexuality isn’t the only thing they’ll hate against; they hate my writing, hate my body, hate the way I speak and look; they’re just haters and unfortunately there are many people like them.

I make it clear that I’m not a walking advertisement for anything; however, I will never EVER wear a mask to please anyone else; what I do in my life doesn’t effect you; if one can’t comprehend that, it’s on them and not me.

Each individual has to decide for himself whether coming out to family, friends, coworkers is in their best interest. To do so just because Out, The Advocate or Perez Hilton says so isn’t good enough because at the end of the day it’s that individual who has to deal with the fallout, if any, of their actions, not Out, The Advocate or Perez Hilton. How many times have we read here on these comment boards that someone came out, couldn’t handle the rejection and commits suicide? How does that advance our “cause?” So, before anyone comes out, they’d better consider all the pros and cons of doing so and MAKE SURE they’re of the mindset to handle whatever comes about as a result of coming out.
Me, I’m of the opinion that if they ask–which means they must be ready to receive my response–AND if they mean something to me personally–family, close friends, etc.–I’ll tell them. But I’m not going to just come out to any and everyone just to satisfy someone else.
In December of 2002 my friends (4 siblings) of 17 years at the time got a lil suspicious because a “friend” of mine came to visit from abroad and stayed at my place. I was staying in studio apartment so they figured there was nowhere for him to sleep other than with me in my bed. They confronted me about it and I came right out and told them. I figured we’d known each other long enough that they’d realize my sexuality is only a small part of who I am and that I’m the same person they’ve known and loved over the years. Well I was wrong! They told me they don’t approve of the lifestyle and therefore I can no longer visit their house. But if I ever wanted to talk they are only a phone call away. LOL. That one floored me. I actually laughed after the call ended. My boyfriend was so hurt he was on the verge of tears. He felt responsible for our parting, etc. and I had to spend the remainder of his stay reassuring him he had nothing to do with it and that I’d prepared for this day for a long time.
Well 3 years passed. Since, I never needed to talk, I never called them and got on with my life. My mom threw a surprise birthday party for me and invited my estranged friends, not knowing about what went down between us–and they actually came! So imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw them smiling as they screamed “SURPRISE!” My jaw fell to the floor.
We caught up and afterwards said our goodbyes. But a funny thing happened. A few days later they invited me by their house to hang out. My knee-jerk reaction was to decline, since I was pretty surprised as well as pissed how easily they rejected me 3 years prior. But after considering what a milestone in itself it was that they came around and invited me, as well as given the fact it was what I wanted all along–to be accepted for who I am–I accepted their invitation and things have been great. It was like those 3 years never occurred and we’re right back to travelling together, dinner parties, etc. Everything we did before the “breakup.”
As for my family, I don’t know if they know. But I’m of the opinion they suspect something is up but just haven’t approached me as yet. But if/when they do I’ll be just as truthful as I was with my friends.

Whoever thinks that our current society totally accepts homosexuality either is very fortunate to live in an area and know people who are accepting and supportive of it (or at the minimum, tolerant of it), or they are being very unrealistic about our society as a whole. For many of us, for others to know that we are gay does make a difference. Should it? Of course not… same as with political affiliation, religion or other lifestyle elements like being nudist, vegan, or Amish, but it still can, and does.

I think we should all be smart enough to acknowledge that many of these things do impact our relationships with others – like it or not. Being gay may not have critical impact. Perhaps it means someone in your workplace is less likely to converse with you, or chooses to sit at a different table at lunch. Or maybe it means they won’t go into the bathroom if they just saw you walk in. Maybe they talk down about you to others. Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they admire your courage.

When it comes to friends and family, though, the stakes are much higher. I’ve literally had a good friend say to me, upon learning that I was gay (versus merely the rumor that I was), “I’m going to hang up this phone and never speak to you again.” And that’s exactly what he did. You may respond, “Then he wasn’t really your friend…” and to that, I disagree. He certainly was – but learning that I was gay conflicted with his personal beliefs to an extent that he did not want to be my friend anymore. If you’ve ever lost a friend for any reason, would you say that they were never your friend to begin with? Maybe… if they were pointedly misrepresenting themselves for some end. But, I think that is an uncommon case. People’s feelings can genuinely change. My aunt once said, “We’re never going to talk about this again.” And for many years, we didn’t. She has, as have others, gradually come around to accepting that I didn’t choose to be gay. That said, no one but my sisters are actively supportive about it, either. No one else asks if I’m dating, and is certainly content to not have me bring it up if I am.

I sometimes prefer to be out; it is less worrisome in some respect. However, I also acknowledge that in some settings, particularly work, where my sexual orientation has absolutely no bearing, that it simply isn’t anyone else’s business. Why bring it up? Why should anyone ask? I’m not going to tell them I’m a nudist – nor do I anticipate anyone asking. Choosing not to bring that up shouldn’t be counted as a negative, either. It’s my business to share or not share as I see fit.

Not being out – as in deliberately taking steps to inform people that you are gay – does not mean you don’t respect yourself or anyone else you’re dating. Granted, it’s a tricky situation if someone does ask you a direct question. If it’s a friend, ok… it would seem that honesty is the best response. If it’s a co-worker or a stranger, I’d probably tell them that’s not a question I’m going to answer, and nor should they be asking it. Same as if they asked me if I was a chronic masturbator or if I’ve been “saved”.

I don’t push anyone to accept my religious beliefs, political views, or like my favorite food… nor am I going to tell someone that they have to accept or tolerate my sexual orientation. I do believe that our nation was founded on high ideals – the right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness – and the laws that guarantee and protect those rights are what matter – even if certain individuals would disagree that I, or anyone else, should be in full possession of those rights. Particularly when I am causing no harm to anyone else.

I think, just like sexual orientation, that there’s a spectrum to one’s comfort level when it comes to disclosure of sexual orientation. It doesn’t have to be an “everyone knows” or a “no one knows” deal. It also doesn’t have anything directly to do with being comfortable with your sexual orientation, either. I’m fine with it… but that doesn’t mean I actually expect everyone else on the planet to be fine with it. That may be idealistic – but terribly short-sighted. In fact, if you feel a need to tell everyone you know that you’re gay, that’s probably a sign you’re actually not comfortable with it… and you’re possibly seeking others’ acceptance as a way to try and accept it of yourself. Or, attempting to polarize your relationships into “those who accept it” and “those who don’t”, which isn’t necessarily a positive mindset, either.

All that’s to say, I think we should be supportive of one another – I wouldn’t force someone else to be “out” because I thought it was the right thing for me, and I wouldn’t respect anyone trying to force my hand, either. Being homosexual to some degree is still, and to an extent, will always be something we have to, as individuals, come to grips with. It’s even more challenging to bring other people into that dynamic… so if you’re “out”, great… but understand that not everyone has lived your life and may not be comfortable making the same decisions that you have. There’s no “right” response for everyone.

with a friend for 8 months now,he’s out but not in your face and i’m still in the closet I think 1 brother n his family but his son is gay i’m almost sure of so its no big deal 2 them but my other brother n family n sis’s family I don’t know what 2 do yet it will b a shock 4 them lol.Dean

They say your mother is the first to know but the last to be told. I decided to tell my mother years ago at the age of 26.

Don’t let your mother (or other loved ones) pass away w/o letting them know you really are.

I think this is a really good subject to address on here. I am finding it more difficult to come out to my gar friends because they seem so self righteous. They expect everyone around to be gay and well, I am bisexual. The few I have told – some accept it, some think it’s a push away from gay and I am only trying to hold the door open. The truth is that the happiest I have been has been when I was semi-simultaneously dating a woman and a man. While I kept the relationship safe for all involved, it was the best and most satisfying emotional connection I have had. I know this can also lead to the questions of fairness to the partners involved and I have to say upfront I find judging someone else is simply judgmental given the acceptance of open relationships.

I think what is important is how you feel emotionally when you are with someone. The choice of coming out to family and friends I think is a self-esteem issue and if you can get past how others may view you and be your own person that defines the time. Now to the original question of being out or closeted while in a relationship. I think that becomes a two person decision between you and your partner but a breech on either side is a breech of trust and the foundation of a relationship is honesty.

I would call them my roommate to some and don’t care what others may think. All depends on the environment that you guys r n and who you are comfortable with sharing that type of information with, all that to say it can go both ways.

Ahhh the roommate bit never gets old. Quickest way to try to explain something away although if you ask me it raises more questions than it answers

I have been together with my bf for 13 years. We are not out. We don’t live together and everyone knows us as friends. No one suspects anything. This works great for us and we could not be happier. It’s not my place to tell people who I bed since no one ever feels obligated to tell me who they sleep with.

I do not announce my sexuality, because I believesomeones sexuality is private…IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SHAME OR EMBARRASSMENT…my family is NOT really my “family”..they are just people that Im related to, my “family” are my friends…becase to my “family”, me being gay is NOT an issue.

When I came out to my wife of 36 years she confided in my children, my brothers and sisters and my parents. I always thought she did me a favor except that it was an intense 6 weeks. a couple years later I met my partner. He is the same age as my children (late 30s) so I thought I may just be ‘shunned’ like some Amish sects are known for, but my ex-wife and my son came around and are supportive, even have shared celebrations and holidays at times. Not one of my siblings or parents have ever acknowledged my partner and only one has ever spoken his name. I am out because I need to live comfortably in my own skin, but it sure would be nice to be able to share the autumn of my life with all the people I love. Still, I am a pretty lucky fellow.
Cherish life. Your’s and the lives of those around you.

I consider my coming out story to be interesting (selfishly so) for the non-reaction. I came out to my sister first. Always in the past, she’s used me as a sounding-board for the big life decisions that she was hesitant to tell my parents about, where she wanted to go to school (an expensive top 5 school), when she moved in with her then boyfriend now husband. So I came out to her and she reacted in the liberal way that I expected, she still loved me and it didn’t change her opinion of me in the slightest. Absolutely nothing she’s said or done has contradicted that at all. When I came out to my parents the story changes a bit. My dad is one of those ultra-conservative tea-party types (as so many dads are). My mom, while having grown up in the San Francisco Bay Area, grew up in a very in a very conservative household, luckily she came out quite middle of the road. So I’m 26 and FINALLY coming out to my parents. I’m a nervous wreck, pasing the living room while my parents watch Ghost Hunters or some History Channel show. I say, “Guys, I have something to tell you. I’m sure you’ve already figured this out by now, but I wanted to tell you myself. I’m gay. And NOW I’m going out for a drink to calm my nerves. If you want to talk you can call me at any point tonight and I’ll come home and we can talk about anything. If not, we can talk tomorrow.” Then I walked out of the room and the house. To this day, three years later, they haven’t said a single word about that night. They haven’t treated me any differently. They’ve had “friends” of mine over for Thanksgiving dinner, all the while (politely) refraining from asking what “friend” meant. Honestly with those guys I wouldn’t have had a good answer for them at the time, more than a friend and less than a boyfriend would have been the only way I could have responded honestly. The closest anyone came to mentioning it was when I started Bartending. My mom wondered out loud how she was going to tell her ultra-conservative mother that I was working in a bar. It told her, “Mom, lest be honest… That’s not the most shocking thing you could tell her about me.” To which she replied, after several seconds of hesitation, “No, you’re right, it’s not the most shocking thing.” And that’s where things stand. I’m DEFINITELY not upset about it, but it’s not the best of situations. I don’t imagine having any sort of “confrontation” about it until I get married (if ever), but a show of support would go over quite well with me. As it would with any child of any age in a situation that might very well bigger than themselves. Take from this what you will. Cheers.

I came out at the age of 18 when I was dating an ex… My family are cool about it they just had a problem with my bf who they didn’t like. Right now I’m 21 and for me it’s very important that the guy that I date is completely out. If a guy is closeted I’m not interested. I’m passed that “closeted” stage of my life and I want to move forward and at some point hey married and adopt kids…

When I first started dating my partner of nine years, who has now past away, I came out to my parents. It was alittle odd in the fact that I did it in the heat of an argument so its not a normal coming out story. It turned out I got an “and” from my parents when I told them so it wasn’t anything to worry about.

My partner had the different situation. he came out while we where dating and got the back lash of losing most of his family…two brothers and his parents to it. They would invite him to family gatherings but would not want me there with him. After two years of this situation he finally told his family if I wasn’t invited he just would not come there.

The lesson in all of this, for me at least, is that it doesn’t matter who u sleep with at night. You are going to like each other for who they are or not. I have not looked back, I’m out of the closet to everyone, and don’t care if they like it or not.

I’ve been out for nearly 10 years now. My immediate family knows (mother, father, brother, sister-in-law, nephew), as does my mom’s side of family and they are all 100% cool with it. Hell, when my parents met my then-boyfriend, they were super-excited to meet him. My mother baked him three kinds of cookies and my dad ended up buying him an entire massive book series as a gift just because the two of them got along so well.

My dad’s family… eh… probably not, mostly because that part of the family isn’t really close with each other, or with me. There’s a lot of distance there. Regardless though, I know they are not okay with the man-on-man stuff. My grandmother is a bit homophobic, as are my uncles and at least one of my aunts.

Either way though, if I found myself talking to them, and my sexuality came up, I wouldn’t hide it, nor would I expect my partner to hide it. I’d say flat out “he’s my boyfriend/partner/husband/etc…” I have nothing to hide, and if they take issue with it… well, not like we’ve been that close anyways.

I don’t buy the idea that living in a rural area is an excuse to stay in the closet. There are extreme cases of course, like where you’ll lose your job, but that’s rare. Mostly people are simply justifying their cowardice. I came out as a teenager in a rural area and made it through. I’m stronger for it and the gay community itself is better off. People came out decades ago when there was no support network imaginable. They’re stronger for it and we all are better off now. It’s your choice to stay in the closet but in 2013, it’s time to end the pity party.

@Forcing the Door

Gay guys who claim that bi-sexuals are just closeted gays do so because they are still ashmed of being gay themselves and want everyone else to share in their shame. Their ignorance is akin to straights who say that being gay is just a phase you will grow out of.

@Angus2012

Yeah so many gays are convinced by other gays that each has to put on some big dramatic, shock value production in order to make sure everyone knows they are gay. The only people who really need to know are those they want to have sex with. If someone else askes then tell them otherwise nobody else has any good use for that information.

@ SD

Being accepted for being gay could have something to do with where one lives or it could have a lot to do with the person who wants to be accepted.

My job has moved me to many large cities over the years where I have made many close straight friends, mostly guys and I have a lot of close straight guy friends in many small towns too. I have never once had a problem with not being accepted by anyone because I am gay. I speculate that it is because knowing me was the first time they met a gay guy who didn’t feel he had to behave like the gay people they see on TV, in movies, on the news or other media outlets, who always have to either be the stereotypical nelly, flamboyant, in your face or shock value freaks. Other gays like myself who feel no need to behave in that LEARNED from each other, unnatural and uncalled for manner are just to boring to be presented on TV etc. I also have enough respect for my straight guy friends and myself to not objectify them just because they may be good looking and have a dick. I don’t expect anyone to change, just pointing out why so many seem to have such a hard time getting along with others who are not gay and always blame them for it.

Its really not anyone else’s business what you’re doing with the body parts in your pants. Mom and Dad don’t really need to know how your butt is getting along or who has been in it lately, do they? Telling other people about your sex life, or who you’re with, is like explaining which direction you wipe your ass, and its really not required to interact with others. I’ve noticed usually (not always) that men who are out, are usually only interested in being out, that they may have an abundance of sex. It’s used more as a personal billboard than anything else. I don’t feel a need to explain to anyone who’s ass I licked last, or what man I’m banging and emotionally attached to.

I’m in my thirties now and still haven’t officially came out to my family only my mom. She said don’t worry it’s nobody’s business unless I wanna tell them. I have a lesbian whose out and proud, and gives me a hard time for not being out loud like she did since a teenager. I told her the reason she came out was to hurt her parents and rebel which she was doing, she said she didn’t care if they accepted it or not. But that’s the difference I do care and want to shove it down family’s throat but in my own time and right place I am going to tell them all and not as way to get back at them when im mad.

I came out after I was married……twice. I have custody of my two boys from my second marriage. They are young so it’s not talked about at home. I came out on Facebook and all my friends were cool with it. Some said they knew all along and were waiting for me to figure it out. I’m not out at work because that’s not the place for this level of personal business anyways. Although everyone knows, I don’t really talk about it and no one brings it up. My brother, who had a really tough time with it at first, has actually been the coolest about it. He doesn’t understand it, but he accepts it. Good enough for me.

So True Steven.

But unless you want to sleep with your family members or it’s because of some kind of medical emergency where someone needs to know; there is no other good reason to tell anyone else what you like to do in bed. Otherwise the coming out thing is just another opportunity to create some drama for shock value or whatever and gays are notorious for that kind of thing.

If they already figured it out and haven’t disowned you then there no reason to tell them anyway.

I am open to my family and friends, even tho I’m not giving the type of love n support n compansion needed from them I am accpeted ,my mum rare talks to me unless she needs something but I keep hoping sho change but if not I will neer change. I am who I am , n happy to the day I die I will be. As fro the roomate part I’m single but if I get that guy n we tend to fall apart sexually I still wod keep him close cos even if something bad we did each other make me break up , they we’re good things we did n had , I believ never give up on the good in life once ur happy.