Speak Out : From Mr. Perfect To Mr. Jerk
What is it about being online that makes some men turn from Mr. Perfect to Mr. Jerk? For some reason as soon as they get in front of a computer, the transformation begins.
In the real world they are a nice, courteous people who say “excuse me” when they run into someone, who smile at strangers and who talk to people on the train. When they get home they go online and become Mr. Hyde. Some guys send them smiles and they block them. Someone they don’t find attractive says they are hot and they ignore them. They set up a date and decide not to go without telling the other guy.
Why the difference? I think some people don’t look at being online as real, I mean they obviously know they are talking with real people but they don’t see their actions as having any consequences.
I live in a different reality where the online world coexists with the real world and we are all the same people. Some guys don’t feel this way. For them the online world and the real world are two different things with two different realities.
I can see keeping some things separate, like who on the train needs to know you like dick up your ass? No one. But everyone deserves to be treated with respect on and off line! Everyone. Except of course for those crazy stalkers, just block them and move on….
A4A created a website on which the content is generated by its members and the interactions between them. Let’s try to keep it nice and respect everyone on the site, ok?
Comments? Thoughts?
g skorich AKA eastvalleyoral
I MYSELF LIKE TO THINK I AM A NICE GUY, AND I AM TO MOST PEOPLE. BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO TRY AND JUDGE U AND YOUR MOTIVE FOR BEING HERE WITHOUT EVEN ASKING YOUR NAME OR ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON THEY ARE TALKING TO. I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT SAY PEOPLE IN GENERAL LACK SOCIAL SKILLS AND THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK (TYPE) HERE.
I couldn’t agree more. Some guys have no shame. I unfortunately talked to one of them here. He agreed to meet in person. But when that day came and I texted him to reconfirm time and place, he said he couldn’t make it because he had to hang out with his friends. He was so impolite.
I was upset but not for long because he or his people would never have a chance to meet good ones.
They do this because they feel protected behind the computer screen. Without the person present they are being rude to, they feel empowered to say what they really feel. I think it is wrong and don’t agree with with this type of mentality. I have experienced it myself on A4A.
Some gay men I have encountered have a desire to put others down in order to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities, be it mental or physical.
Totally Agree. When you begin a dialogue with someone on A4A you know very little about them so it’s a process of discovery. Looks, personality, interests, etc. all help me decide if i want to meet up in person. Why is it that some people just can’t stand it when you say – “hey you’re a good guy, but not what I’m looking for” Then they turn from polite and decent to this cruel hateful monster that starts using vulgar terms and sends me hate mail.
I get it. I know some guys aren’t interested in me and I think I’m fairly decent at taking the hint and saying thanks – no harm done. I guess it reveals their true self when they turn into the demon. Hey guys – don’t be the Demon.
Could not agree more… Even if not interested in someone a courteous reply would be nice….
Insecure men who have no pictures then get behind a computer monitor and think that the internet gives them the ‘Shield of Invisibility” are barking up the wrong tree. They become social morons. They have “no life” away from the computer and have absolutely no usable social skills to save their lives. The “invisibility factor” gets even deeper entrenched when they have no pictures (no self esteem, the “down low/discreet is a bunch of CRAP”). I’ve said HI to guys, not hitting on them, just to initiate conversation and have gotten the standard “no reply/ignore” attitude.
My question there, would I want to KNOW that person? Fuck NO! My hope is that A4A opens it’s eyes and finally demands what other viable social networks require: A current face picture to confirm that you’re a real person and not a “spammer, troll, jackass”. It’s just as easy to be kind online than it is to be a total jerk.
Preach it brotha!
There are so many things that can lead up to a moment. When someone sends me a smile I don’t right away run with it. I feel complimented by the guy and I get a warm feeling but it totally doesn’t mean that I have to pretend to like the guy. My experience has been that they only one thing anyway.. And that’s to “excuse, my french! (F*** You) and that was it.
I am so annoyed by these men. They have no idea what it takes to be in a committment.. i fucken hate all you fucken faggots..
A-fucking-men
I think that when most men come online to hook up, they don’t want to “waste time” on people they don’t want to fuck. So when they see a message, they look at the profile first. If they don’t want to fuck the sender, they don’t waste time opening and reading the message. The problem is that so many of us see these sites as sex sites, rather than social sites.
I have had occasion to meet people in real life who were rude to me online. I generally ignore and sometimes insult them. Most of them get a look on their faces that tells me they’re wondering “why is this fat old man being rude to a handsome young man like me?” They don’t get that it’s not about looks, it’s about manners and attitude. It is their first lesson in a class I call “Pretty isn’t enough!”
I try not to ignore anybody, but having received all sorts of really rude and mean replies for simply replying “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” I can totally understand why many guys would simply choose to ignore messages from folks they aren’t interested in, and I don’t think doing so makes them a jerk.
And therein lies the problem with the suggestion of treating everyone with respect. “Respect” means different things to different folks and there is no shortage of guys on A4A who think you are being rude and disrespectful by not sleeping with them.
Amen
there will lays be the guys who likew play mind games no one of them itent verry drict wwith guys like that that tend tell them like is then block them there tototal wate of time
I really think that a lot of guys abuse the convenience of hiding behind a computer screen and being who they really are…. Which are jerks. Being in public interacting with people in person requires some type of decorum as being rude and obnoxious you get you slapped , beat down or shot. I always go by this motto ” don’t type anything online that you would say directly to someone’s face”. I just think that cyberspace in itself has created a world of ride obnoxious people who don’t know how to communicate clearly thoroughly and with respect and tact, and it makes dating and mating even more difficult.
agreed.
Very well said, Thanks!
But one thing you have to keep in mind is that just like in real life, you don’t talk to everyone. When you are online you keep being hassled by certain people, that you can’t get away from.
This sight was created for the purpose of men meeting men for the primary means of sex. And some guys need to realize that! This is real, so if you find that guys don’t want to talk to because your XYZ, then try and change what you can’ and if you’re happy to being XYZ then talk to the people that are into that.
the difference between being out in the street and being online, is that online everyone can talk to you, while you’re on the street someone on the other side or the end of the block can’t reach out and talk to you as easily. And don’t be so sure that that guy would not be mean to you as well.
What you “eastvalleyoral” need to get through you’re head is that just because we all like other men on here, dose not mean that we al have to want or like each other. That is having a very tunnel, closed minded way of thinking. Just like when a straight friend thinks they have another gay friend they want you to meet, just because both of you are gay.
If you think people are to mean for you, then maybe this place is not for you or others that think guys are too mean on here. Again this is a hook up site, first and foremost, and not all guys are looking to take any dick that will get in them.
Sorry to come across a “mean girl”, but we are men, and this sounds a lot like children crying on the school yard because someone won’t be you’re friend.
If you don’t have to offer what you don’t have, don’t expect it.
I agree with much of what you say, but I don’t care if someone sends me a smile (no matter who they are) it’s annoying and wastes my time. I frequently block people for all sorts of reasons, often I’ve never met them and there’s nothing offensive in their profile. It saves me time sitting at the computer and gives me a better chance to actually meet someone I am interested in offline. There is no need to reply to someone who gives you a compliment that you aren’t into sexually, unless you want to for whatever reason. Peeps who send compliments and become offended for not getting a reply need to grow up.
I for one, act the same way in person as I do online. Although, I am a shy guy and have an easier time talking to people and opening up online than I do in person. But I treat everyone with respect. If someone messages me, either with a smile or compliments me on my looks, I at least say hi and thank them for the compliment. Even if I don’t find them attractive. It’s called common courtesy. But I will be rude to someone if they are rude to me first. And they will be blocked. There is just no reason to be rude to people, especially complete strangers. But I try to be as nice as I can with everyone. My parents raised me to be nice to people and respect everyone.
Of course there’s a difference … you don’t have any control over “real-life” interactions whereas you have complete control over your “online” interactions.
If someone bumps into you … that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to talk to them … if you say “Excuse me” … it still doesn’t mean you want to talk to them. “Jerks” can be courteous, too.
When people are online, it’s a completely different environment; on A4A, people are generally trying to get into other peoples’ pants. Heck, I’ve been told I’m on the wrong site to look for friends. So, assuming everyone thinks everything is sex-driven and someone you aren’t interested in tries to talk to you, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all, right? Would you rather someone not say something nice or would you rather them ignore you? There’s no nice way to say “Please stop talking to me because I don’t want to talk to you.”
I agree. There’s no need to be nasty. If you’re not interested in someone, say so. We’re big boys and we can handle it (usually). If you make plans and choose to bail or have no intention of meeting them, shame on you. Sometimes life gets in the way of things we’d much rather do, and you should follow up with that person if it happens. But if it happens again, well, you can forget about that guy. Unless he’s desperate or really into you, he’s unlikely to give you a third shot when you’ve been a no-show at the first two.
Amen!!!
I’d like to see a feature where if a person has a certain number of unanswered mails, they cannot message anyone until they respond. It should also be set up that a message cannot be deleted without a response. How hard is it to say “Not interested!”? Heck, it could even be an option like a smile i.e. a “not interested” button. One click. People who say “If I don’t respond, I’m not interested” are rude and narcissistic. Have the common courtesy to make some kind of response.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!! Could not have said it better myself! 😉
I have wondered about this, too. I never could quite understand what’s going on in the mind of someone who’s rude or obnoxious online. It was always apparent to me that there was a real person on the other end.
And if I ever want any kind of relationship with anyone I meet on here, even just a friendship, then I can’t treat them like trash.
I completely agree with you, and have been preaching this to my single and confused friends for years. They ignore online people and stand guys up with no regard, and wonder why they are single. The same people you mistreat online are the same people you see in the club, street, subway, etc, that grow bitter and jaded. Not to mention the low self esteem that abounds in our community. Being ignored by your online crush doesn’t help.
Who on A4A has the balls to flat out ignore someone speaking to them in real life? If you do, then by all means continue online, but the swing in online personalities from offline is so wide. I reply to all messages I get, and if i’m not interested I’ll just say so, like “hey I prefer taller, older, bigger, shorter, whatever – guys but thanks for the interest. People generally appreciate the acknowledgment.
The best I can do is try to be as genuinely me online as I am offline, and treat everyone with respect. These attitudes and feelings perpetuated online are the same ones that people keep with them when they log off. So yea, at least do your part to keep things respectful and you’ll probably have a more enjoyable experience on and offline.
There is NO valid excuse for being an ASS in any situation. I can deal with truth and honesty. BS, lies, and pretentiousness are all I get on A4A. How can we as gay men expect anyone to respect us when we ourselves live deceitful, selfish, and childishly pretentious to ourselves. MAN-UP and be real!!!
I understand this completely. Here in the Dallas area I often find myself blocked without ever talking to a person. I have never felt so unattractive in my life.
This is , and should be common sense.. I agree.. Kudos to you, for shedding light on the fact of fantasy versing reality..
This is a great article. The only reason I use my a4a is to connect with people, not to hook up with them. But even then, most guys ignore my messages, when I simply want to say “hi” and become friends. And yes, it is possible to make friends on a4a and Grindr. I met my best friend on Grindr, and even set him up with his boyfriend.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this… If someone messages you just to say hi, reply to them. Say “hi” back. Don’t ignore them. Anyway, that’s my opinion. Thanks for the time.
People like to act like assholes because they can’t get their ass beat online.
It all boils down to the fact that the internet, like the telephone, does not allow face-to-face interaction — and people are ruder and less sensitive to others when they are not facing each other.
Wow!!! Finialy someone addresses this problem. I too do not get this phenomenon. It is just unexceptable to treat other human beings this way and yet it happens over and over again. I’m afraid nothing is going to change either. Unfortunately as long as THOSE men have the computer to hide behind, they will continue to abuse their fellow man. It’s sad…. But it’s really up to us as victims of this offense to continue to treat everybody the same way you want to be treated….with respect and the common decency to be civil and kind and courteous . Hopefully this kindness will prevail.
I really like all the topics you have been putting on here. You are preaching to the choir when you talk about guys acting nice and kind in person and like a real ass when online. I am guilty of it too. I feel like being online really opens up a whole world and you talk to guys you might never think about talking with or being with for that matter. Changed my mind about just looking for one type of man. Adam4Adam can be a lot of fun. I have had very good luck on this site. A few bad ones and been stalked too.I wish all would be kind and honest. Thanks for doing this blog and these subjects.
Its pretty much fact gay men are total bitches, the newbies coming out now are especially awful , their hang ups are really
Something, you have to be magazine shape or no one over 30, its funny I liked older friends when I came out,, still have them to this day , being polite is not something thats even thought about nowadays.
Well, I would say I agree with this one. Granted I feel a big part of this is the lack of social grace that is part of society today. And while I’ve been guilty of slight ‘slights’ online, I don’t understand the ‘it’s only online’ mentality. How hard is it to say, “thanks but no thanks”? Now I will say I’ve been guilty of being aloof at times, usually because I don’t notice a message or such. And at times I’m not interested in someone, usually because I prefer to know someone before I agree to hook up. But still being basically polite isn’t all that much to ask.
So true! Happens frequently…just saying hello…then I am blocked. No reason or feed back. Some feel they are too good, better looking and/or have preferences. But at least send a reply even saying “thanks, but not interested or not my type. It’s called being respectf and being considerate
I DISAGREE. USUALLY THEY ARE MR. PERFECT WHEN YOU START TO DATE THEM… THEN THEY SUBSEQUENTLY TURN OUT TO BE A JERK. HOW CAN ONE BE MR. PERFECT BY JUST CHATTING ONLINE? THE MEN ON THIS SITE WILL ALWAYS HAVE REPUTATIONS AS FLAKES, FAKES, CHEATERS, LIARS, DISEASE SPREADERS, ETC. IT’S ACTUALLY IDENTIFYING THOSE AND DOING WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO AVOID BEING WITH THOSE PEOPLE THAT COUNTS.
HEY LEO, AT LEAST THE GUY MESSAGED U BACK AND LET U KNOW HE WASN’T GOING TO SHOW. I DON’T MAKE DATES FOR THE FUTURE WITH GUYS CAUSE THE CHAT HERE IS ALWAYS FOR THE SPUR OF THAT MOMENT, ANYTHING BEYOND 1 HOUR ON THIS SITE IS JUST AS FORGOTTON AS IF YOU HADN’T SPOKE TO THE GUY AT ALL. SO READING THE REST OF THE COMMENTS HERE WE HAVE ALL HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCES HERE, IT IS JUST THE CYBER LIFESTYLE, I SUPPOSE, OH AND ON ANOTHER NOTE, GUYS WITH PICS HERE AND TEND TO HAVE THAT RUDE NASTY WAY ABOUT THEM, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT RUN INTO THE GUYS YOU ARE SO RUDE TO ONLINE, I WONDER HOW THEY REACT WHEN CONFRONTED IN PERSON.
I’m fine with being ignored if you’re not interested. I take that as a clear expectation. But I hate lining up a meet up, and being stood up. That’s a whole different animal.
Guess I have to partially disagree. I often thank guys for posting hot pics… Guys that can’t possibly be interested in me… I don’t expect them to thank me for the thanks… That’s just desperate. Likewise if someone reaches out to me that I’m not in to… Well… Why would I say “sorry, you’re nasty”?? I think letting it pass is more kind
Or they can be the other way around. They are nice, courteous, and seem decent online, but turn into monsters with fangs when you meet them in person. Online, they claim to want to develop friendship and relationship and wants to take it slow, cuddle, and kiss. But when you meet them online, all they want is to fuck you and make you their sex slaves to satisfy their needs.
I try to be courteous to everyone even if I’m not remotely interested, and I always say thank you if someone compliments my pics or profile. That’s just common sense.
I think some guys here don’t respond because they feel that if they respond once, it opens the door to a conversation they really aren’t interested in having. This comes off as rude but that’s the reality. Other guys may not respond because they are busy chatting it up with another dude they want to bone down with.
The bottom line to all this bullshittery is it is easy to hide behind a computer screen or smart phone and act like a douche. So, try not to take any of this personally. Life is full of more pressing issues like family, friends and career!
So very true John. That happened to me. I don’t think I’m that bad looking of a guy, may have been an age diff but all I did was try to chat, not even looking for a hook up. Very rude indeed.
It’s quite simple……THEY’RE DOUCHE BAGS!!!!!!
Hmmm…..would I really be interested in being friends with someone who doesn’t care enough to respond (or even more rude – blocks) because of some friendly conversation starter that I’ve sent? Definitely not! They’ve done me an extreme favor without realizing it. Life is too short to waste it on assholes. It’s hard enough dealing with drama from people that you love (most of the time) who feel the same toward you.
Thoughts:
1). I think there is a major difference between online users and mobil users. If I’m on my phone, I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO REPLY TO EVERY MESSAGE. If however, I was sitting on my fat ass, jacking off to A4A conversations I would have the time.
2). These comments ring so much like the sexist rape culture that is so common. No person ever has an obligation to respond to an unsolicited sexual advance. I owe you nothing just because you sent me a message saying “hot papi, great cock.”
3). I feel like it is the closeted married guys who get the most pissed off. I am on here for a quick fuck. If I want to make friends, I go to a gay bar and talk to real people. And don’t give me the sad “well its different where I live” speech. It was different everywhere 30 years ago but brave individuals came out.
4). Gays are not shallow – stop the internalized homophobia. The thing is we have a smaller population and therefore often find ourselves in mixed-generation settings. If a fat old man came up to a hot, blond 25 year old girl at a straight bar, she’d be rude too. Its not a gay thing, its that we have an unusually mixed social scene. Old gay guys are a million times more likely to have a random hookup with a young guy than an old straight dude.
5). this is a stupid waste of time
It is not just the men who are here on A4A that turn into assholes. I am a technical support chat advisor, and we are treated so poorly. People do not say hi, they take forever to respond to you because they have something better to do, you give the instructions, and they tell you that you are wrong, I could go on. I do think the reason is, that they do not realize that they are talking to a human being and it is no different here, its just words on a screen.
I agree with 99% of these comments on here, the 99% say exactly how I feel!!!
we as a society are spending so much time staring at and typing into screens that we are losing our ability to look at and talk to the people physically in front of us.
this is especially true of, but not limited to, the younger guys.
every layer of technology removes a layer of humanity. online anonymity removes the necessity of civility. there’s no social pressure to be polite when you’re the only one in the room.
I do not go on this site looking for sex, I do not hook up randomly. That seems to be the problem, I am on this site primarily to meet new and interesting people on a plutonic level, because I am pretty new to this area, and pretty shy in social situations. The Internet seems to be an easier outlet for socializing, but if I tell someone that I am not interested in sex, I get blocked or ignored. I know what the majority of this site is about, however there is no reason to be rude because we have nothing in common.
I have no problem ignoring people who message me even though my profile clearly states they aren’t what I’m looking for.
If I message somebody and they read it without messaging me back, I’ll generally block them so I don’t message them again.
I have to say that this article is completely true for most men! I have been using A4A and other dating sites in hopes to hook up, make friends, and even find my first love. Well guess what! These men have destroyed me! They took my self love and self confidence and crush it like it was nothing. They have destroyed my heart, ruined, withered away and they sit behind their computers and laugh! It doesn’t matter to them, it’s not their life. Now I’m a jaded heartless bitch who spends his life crying himself to sleep. So yes! From Mr. Right to Mr. Jerk in zero seconds flat.
I totally agree with everyone’s experience. The bottom line is, to invest time reaching out to someone who doesn’t respond is foolish but you do get back what you put out into the universe, eventually. It takes more patience than I have; it’s a jungle in here!! My profile mentions reciprocity. It mentions the age range of guys I’m interested in. It literally spells out what a guy should have to offer (which should be similar to what I have to offer) in order for there to be interest/interaction yet I still need to use the block button on those who repeatedly message me when all they have to do is read my profile to know I’m not interested and they’d look less foolish. Why people? Why? At least the topic has sparked productive conversation. If A4A would set up public forums on stuff like this, the dialogue on here could’ve been in person and some of us ‘good’ guys wouldn’t be single. I’m in Pasadena, btw. Say ‘hi’.
Guys you message after reading their profile and finding it interesting and a match who respond “Hell NO!” and block you are puzzling. It doesn’t bother me if I hit a guy up and he doesn’t respond. That’s a simple message in itself and is nothing to get all out of joint about. Or those who if you express an opinion in a blog that doesn’t agree 100% with them lay out all kinds of hate and ugly labels in response are a close second. Guys who are sensitive princesses and if you don’t tell them they’re just wuuuuuuuuunderful get all pissy are third. Overall, guys I’ve interacted with online have been fine. There’s always going to be a few special cases in any group. Fortunately, they’re the minority. It’s just a matter of not letting them spoil your party.
I myself am a nice guy. I was dating a trucker for a year and he told me he wanted a relationship so I agreed, we were together for a year. On my bday he came down but it was in mid July cuz he was on the road, when he came down we were in my house n he wanted sum ring tones, so he gave me permission to access his cell. Well when I saw the text messages he was going to meet sum guy at a truck stop before he was coming tosee me. I felt betrayed n hurt on what he did. He was the perfect guy but he had his dirty secret came out.
I agree there is no reason to be nasty or rude. If I get a smile I respond with a thank you or a returned smile. This is usually the end of the communication, however, there are times where it goes to more communication and I alwys show respect for the other person. Being online does not mean you should be stupid , nasty or rude.
I couldnt agree more with Procrastination_Xtravaganza. When did it become ok to ignore people. I am the exact same person in life that I am online…..I will chat with anybody. Ive been on both ends of the spectrum too, On one hand sending somebody a message who states in their profile “new to the area, looking for friends” and I send a message based on reading that…..you can see that he reads the message a min later views my profile then no response. Where I necessarily don’t enjoy the your not my type response, it is better than being ignored for what ever they have deemed that you are not their type……age, size, race, distance, role(top, bottom) etc……I do accept the reality of that. As an adult well balanced man I can move on virtually unscathed. Ive also been cursed and called every name under the sun, because of not being interested in somebody sexually.
We as adult men have got to realize that, even though we have these ideas of meeting the guy of our dreams, or even the guy of the night…….It doesn’t always happen…..the ugliest, rudest, hottest, fattest, skinniest, most muscular, girly, etc etc etc have their type as do we!!! Every body doesn’t appeal to everybody just because of the inclusion of having a dick, and liking dick!
Being nice doesn’t cost a thing……and you may even ::GASP!!!:: make a friend! or online chat buddy etc. As adults even though we would love to hook up with our ideal guy its not always that simple…..be nice, you get more attention that way, than being an asshole!
I am who I am online and in person, I don’t change myself to blend in. I think I am a very nice guy, friendly and personable. I am socially shy so being able to chat with guys online makes it much easier for me but I don’t fake myself for anyone. I don’t send smiles I know guys hate them for some reason but I will send a 🙂 or a 😀 when I’m chatting. I’ve been blocked for various reasons I don’t understand, usually for just saying hello but the one that really annoys me is being blocked for looking at someone’s profile.
Just the other day I looked at a guys profile and this is what I got in response:
How goes it? With my degree in psych those who lash out at others whom they have get to meet have fears of rejection and know how little they really are. It’s sad you are so little not just between your legs but how you treat others. Bug off for the last time
I’m not gonna say who the guy is but its just an example of someone being a complete jerk for no reason. If you look at my profile there is not one negative thing there so I really don’t understand this guy at all. And he isn’t the first and won’t be the last.
Now I could have lashed out and made another profile just to send the guy a nasty message but I’m better than that. I admit it does hurt when that happens but I have to remember the guys that do that don’t know me and never gave themselves the chance to see how truly amazingly awesome I am!!
I am beautiful in every single way… words can bring me down!!
I normally am exceptionally polite any more but as of late i have been blocking more than i normally do because i will politely say sorry not interested, and suddenly i get cussed out and called racist, ageist, something along the lines of that.
I’m so happy to be in a relationship and only looking for drink, smoke & video game buddies. Best of luck to those with sincere intentions to meet, whether to fukk or get together socially.
So, it’s all “Mr. Perfect’s” fault…? Maybe the problem lies with the individuals who are naive to believe that there is such an individual. Because there is no such thing as perfection…right? That’s a lot of pressure for one to live up to. In the years I’ve been on here I’ve dealt with gay men who don’t know how to read profiles, are too lazy to read them or choose to ignore the info in the profiles. That in it of itself is a huge problem. How can one not roll their eyes and get frustrated at those who are incapable of following directions? Gay men also have a tendency to move too fast…too soon. That can scare off another guy if the other one is talking about getting married next week. Gay men just need to put on the breaks, be realistic and READ profiles. Those simple rules should limit some of the nastiness on here.
Here to hook up not socialize. If you don’t interest me based on my needs I ignore you. View this as a hook up site….read the profiles and you can tell if your getting a prince charming or a prick. I am the prick. If I wanted to socialize my profile would say so. It doesn’t. If I wanted to socialize I would connect on heHarmony. Don’t want to chit chat. Want to fuck tight ass.
Who wants to reject someone? Who enjoys doing that? Whether you say “Sorry, not interested,” block someone, or shout back “FCUK OFF!” it doesn’t change what it means, just the intensity differs.
Does etiquette exist so we can torture each other (or ourselves) with how so much better (or worse) we can (or can’t) use a finger bowl than the guy next to us? Have we forgot that not having to reject someone out of hand epitomizes the diplomatic approach. This gold standard of protocol works for Kings (and Queens) and Presidents too. Seems painfully obvious though for the uninformed (such as myself on occasion) let say it works because it saves face while also keeping open the possibility of future opportunities. Whereas the “Thank you for your e-mail, however I am not interested in meeting you” response leaves no prospects whatsoever to speak of unless the agenda at hand now includes trespassing and whatnot.
Yes lots of guys on A4A are total jerks and need to get a life. And A4A is not just a hook up site it is whatever we make of it. Sometimes you agree to meet with someone and they just disappear no news no show nothing how rude is that.
I’ve gotten to the point that if I tell someone that they’re hot or whatever and if they don’t reply when I know they opened it and it has been several hours, I send another email saying “You’re welcome” some guys are embarrassed they didn’t respond initially and say they’re sorry and a thank you. Most ignore that 2nd email and a few reply with a rude comment typically saying take the hint, I mean how hard is it to say thanks, if I only get a thanks back they only get a you’re welcome, if they are interested they usually initiate a more involved conversation. People are just so damn rude all the time, oh well everyone gets old so just remember that you 20 somethings lol
Eh i agree somewhat but it doesnt take into account the fact that a lot of people dont realize they are being “trolls.” Even online it could feel like your “space”, your “bubble”, is being invaded. And i dont want to be rude and say, “sorry not interested because YOUR BEING A TROLL”. Thats just even more rude. As for the people that say they just want to connect with people are full of it. Whats the ratio between time spent trolling online and gaining a true friendship? There are millions of other websites that are used to connect with people without the sexual undertone. To me THOSE guys think they are better than others. ” oh im going to a PORNOGRAPHIC, HOOK UP site to CONNECT with people, because well I DONT HOOK UP.” <- self-rightousness right there brotha!!
Nice guys really do finish last…and get laid last too
Have I been rude? Yes I have. When someone has pictures and they are obviously not the same guy, I acknowledge it and say don’t waste people’s time…
Do I block? Yes. When someone just doesn’t get the message, hell yes.
In your profile if you state, not into white guys, sorry. It’s a personal sexual attraction. Leave it be and don’t ignore it and send them messages. If they don’t respond are they then rude?
If someone asks you to unlock your pictures in the first message and they don’t have a picture at all and you ignore them, is that rude?
If someone asks you to unlock before unlocking first, that’s rude.
Keep in mind, if your an old troll, you wouldn’t try to hit on the sexy 20 year old if you were in a park. I know when someone’s out of my league.
Get a grip, get a life and get real….
I to agree with all thats been said. And its obvious that weve all dealt with these moronic pricks before. The problem with sites like this is no one has consideration for anothers time. So i give everyone ONE chance to flake out on me with a no call no show. If your not man enough to simply say hey i cant make it can we do this another time. Then your not the man for me or anyone for that matter till your over yourself. If a guy comes on strong and then stops returning msgs i move on. I do not block you unless youve earned it ie being an asshole/stalker/pure pervert etc. And i never ignore people unless they have ignored the time i put into my profile, knowing that they arent what im looking for yet try anyway. But that still depebds on how they come at me. But basically i show everyone the respect they deserve till they no longer do.
I get so many message with all this text lingo I cannot understand. Like “git up dat ass” and this sort of thing.
If you cannot rise above thug mentality then do not try to communicate. I can tell right away by how someone communicates. I understand we use short cuts but all this jive it a huge turnoff.
Amazing how many pretentious guys there are online too…
What is funny is guys claiming they want a relationship, no hook ups, etc, and yet, they post pictures of themselves naked?
WTH is that all about?
I think that once an individual gets behind a computer screen–common sense goes out the window.
As for me–my profile says it–lkg 4 sex–nothing else. Yet guys on here try to want a LTR with me and get offended when I don’t want to meet them for coffee.
What part of sex don’t you understand? Yeesh.
I think not replying to someones inquiry is straight up rude!! You’re not being mean or rude if you tell someone you’re not interested in him, you’re being honest. However try to get to know the other person before making a snap decision, who knows he may be the one that is meant for you. Too many guys base their decisions on looks on this and other sites and totally disregard a persons character or personality thus overlooking what could be a great relationship
I rarely get blocked or block people, however I frequently ignore messages from people I am not interested in (most of them have no visible picture to begin with). With that said, I am frequently ignored just as much as I ignore other people, so it works both ways. I have found that explaining my non-interest to someone can be time consuming and doesn’t always prevent them from contacting me in the future.
On the other hand, I do agree with the idea that it is so much easier online to say what you really think and carry on without socially acceptable manners. That is the way it has always been and I try not to take it too personally when someone tries to offend me online, blocks me, or ignores my messages.
Let’s use a little common sense here. Just b/c my profile DOESN’T say: “no pic, no chat”, “not into older” and a host of other “no this/no that” items, doesn’t mean I have to spell it out for you in a nice way online. I’m 30. If you’re 52 and sending me messages, understand that there’s a great possibility that I’m NOT interested moreso than I am. I’m not rude, I’m being real. And as for the compliments, sometimes I’ll reply with a “thank you” and other times I won’t. Why? B/c guys tend to use a compliment as a “test” to see if you respond or not; and if you do, it’s a signal to them in their mind that you wanna talk to them…everyday…even when all they do is ask the same questions as every OTHER guy on the site. You don’t want someone to be rude to you? Don’t act like the rest of the rude folks on there. Be different. That’s what gets a response.
A compliment doesn’t always mean I want to fuck. Saying thank you, but I’m not interested, is insulting. Thank you is enough. The fact you didn’t engage any further is a message in itself and is he persist mention what you like because you already know he doesn’t meet it he will understand and leave you alone. Yes it’s indirect and do you have a right to speak any way you choose yes you do. However then you can’t complain when you are a victim of the same treatment or worse. Putting in that extra bit of care shows your manhood and makes your soul not just your body worth knowing. Most men have forgotten how to be men. They take getting fucked up the ass like it mitigates their responsibility to act with insight courage, mercy, understanding and intellect. they want to feel their way through life. Top men act like they are doing thing special but putting their dick in someone’s ass. The truth is every man has the ability and you man or may not be packing over 8 but unless you have skill and passion you more inches than most but don’t know how use them.
All this feeds into why someone wouldn’t reply they think they don’t have to or need to so they don’t they only want a certain kind of man hitting them up and certain kind of man giving them conversation and anything else is muted.
The only thing I can think of is that they are so insecure, they use the computer to hide behind. I have been blocked for just looking at someone’s profile?? It is what it is. I have seen some nice tats and asked what they mean when they are symbols and have gotten no reply, I didn’t ask for a date but I guess it was too hard to be polite. It’s just the way of the world now.
It is really said that some guy’s on here are the way they are.I know I am not the best looking man in the world but when some guy tells me tha I am a “scumbag old fart” “puck bag” that really hurts! It is just like being in high school all over again. GROW UP GUY!
wow, thanks for all the great comments!!
@Christopher – you have what you need already, its the block option. guys are going to use old pictures and lie in their profile, that’s their charm, block them
And after going back and reading more of the responses, I find that there are whole lot more whiners on A4A than I initially thought. Seriously guys, get the fuark over yourselves. It’s not against the law to ignore a message. You’re not the exception to the rule. If we’re going to address this, then how about–in the next article–we address why the fuark guys that initiate convos with you talk to you for a couple weeks THEN just not respond or email you anymore altogether.
I hate to say it but a lot of the men on this site are like that.
“Saying thank you, but I’m not interested, is insulting. Thank you is enough. The fact you didn’t engage any further is a message in itself”
Ummm… No apparently, “thank you” is not enough. When I’ve merely replied “Thank you” to a compliment I invariably get ANOTHER message, usually one indicating interest, often crudely and often “Unlock?”
This is why a lot of guys ignore messages. Listen to what you’re asking. If I take the time to have an hour conversation to hint indirectly at my disinterest since apparently it’s “insulting” to not be interested in somebody, then I better quit my job, drop my friends, and forget my hobbies because I won’t have time to do anything else.
That’s just stupid. I’m not going to be rude with you. I’m not going to call you fat or ugly or gross or whatever. But if you get your feelings hurt because I don’t devote hours of time trying to tip toe around saying, I’m not interested, that’s on YOU, not me.
Man up. I get ignored or told that another person isn’t interested in me all the time. I don’t cry about it, I move on. It’s not a moral failing on the part of the guy I’m attracted to to not be interested in me, and it’s not a moral failing on my part to not be interested in you. It’s not my responsibility to coddle you through my polite rejection. If you have that difficult of a time dealing with rejection, you’re not mature enough to interact with other on that level yet.
Jesus Christ…we all sound like a bunch a str8 women…polite…kindness…a response to a message “ur hot”, as though its “required…IT IS NOT! I have sent many of hellos and ur hot too many men…get no response, and I don’t care or give a fuck…damn…let’s suck it up and act like men…we may be gay, but let’s not be a bunch of Ann Lander’s pussies
“Some guys send them smiles and they block them. Someone they don’t find attractive says they are hot and they ignore them. They set up a date and decide not to go without telling the other guy.”
Those first two do not in any way make you an asshole. The third one is a dick move, yes, but to list them all together is plain wrong. They’re not even close to the same level.
I’ve disabled smiles, because they are useless to me. Guys that can’t even bothered to type a message? Pass.
I also ignore/block people all the time, because I am not flattered or interested when someone sends me a one-word message. If a guy can’t put in the effort to say more than: “hi,” “sup,” “im bored,” “unlock?” then why should I put in any effort back?
And speaking of, when did the gay community decide “bored” is an appropriate response to “How are you?” You mean to tell me these guys are only messaging me because they have nothing better to do? Wow, don’t I feel great.
I tried being “nice,” replying to all the stupid, vapid messages that people sent me with an attempt to engage them in conversation. But they don’t try to engage back. So I ignore them, and then two weeks later they send me another “sup” because they don’t remember how boring they are. At that point, I block them. Don’t waste my time.
I have to say I agree with everyone one here when it comes to the sentiment that in general there is no good reason at all to be a rude, immature JACKASS without provocation. The ease with how some guys could be this perfect angel in person but turn into a childish dick online used to amaze me. But I caught on fast that the central problem is the fact that so many have built up this idiotic thought in their heads that the only reason to interact online anywhere is to fuck so all social graces and common courtesy goes out the window. It never crosses any of these guys’ minds that there is that off chance that you cross paths in person out in that “real world”. And that brings me to a number of personal encounters that for me are quite funny. I like other guys have run into those guys who for no good reason showed off that fucked up behavior online. And I can tell you a number of them have seen me in person while we each are going on with our days in our own respective daily routines and have had them ask what they have to do to get to know me better. And my response each and every time is try starting with not being an arrogant two faced troll. When I see that confused deer caught in headlights look, that’s when I relay to them the persona they presented online. That’s when it clicks in their brains that they fucked up.
Now as Xra1 and Hunter0500 point out above though, if you hit someone up after you see that their profiles clearly and plainly spell out what they’re into and what they aren’t for that interaction that goes beyond polite chat, then it’s on you what response you get because at that point you yourself have communicated to them you don’t respect other people’s space or boundaries.
So long story short, don’t be a dick if you don’t have to because whether it’s online or face to face interaction, first impressions go a long way. And on the other side of it, respect other folks’ boundaries. If it’s clear from what they put in their profile that you’re not what they looking for when it comes to sex or dating, why would you insist on hitting them up anyway?
I just don’t think it’s this complex and psychologically based. It’s the internet, a valid form of communication to be used as a tool to meet someone. Some people are thorough in response, some are not. A response (to your liking) is not guaranteed, neither should it be inferred simply because you send me a message, complimentary or otherwise. It goes with the territory. If one takes something as trivial as that personally or seriously, that’s his problem, and not a fault in the system of online communication. Just as I have deleted messages, messages have been deleted from me to others also…and YOU do the same thing. Some guys are rude because they don’t think you should’ve even entertained the thought of sending him a message, and in some cases, I believe that’s justified. Like the old, creepy and in most cases fugly, guys who think simply having an A4A account means all you need do is message the first hot guy you see…and expect him to swoon….well, LOL. Let’s see things as they are, friends, and be truly grateful that we are not able to know other’s thoughts. And also, if you are rejected, don’t demand an explanation….you just might get one. Am I a jerk? That’s for you to decide.
I feel i can’t add much to this since everything i wanted to say has been said.
But with the internet people are going to be harsh because they don’t have someone in front of them who could whoop their ass or pull a gun on them or something.
That is the reason youtube comments are filled with the ”n” word and a lot of hate towards homosexuals cause they are ”internet gangsters”
Same with A4A honestly people do the same thing cause there in the safety of home or work and no one can give them real world consequences for what they say.
Also with that said i respect the hell out of a gay if he nicely says ”i am sorry but you are not my type” i mean if they tell you ”you are an ugly chink fuck off” (That happened to me before :P) Then yeah then you could be a douche.
But if someone is just being honest to you that you are not the type then you can have closure and move on. But i guess it is easier for people to block or just not respond lol sissies.
People should really take into account the amount of “BS” that we all know all too well online. There are liars, trolls, fake profiles, and the straight up weirdos that can often bombard us in a relentless barrage. I am not saying that it is quite right to be a jerk online, but there is a sense in which it can be justified or at least understood by all parties at hand. Because we have all dealt with it in some form shape or fashion just as we have all dealt it out a time or two at least. What is that you say, you haven’t been the jerk yet….just give it time…it will happen.
the truth is that online you get to see what you don’t in person…the real jerks can’t hide behind a facade in cyberspace …they are free to fully show they’re ass…
only the true blue guys stay the course online and will most likely do so in real life…they’re not for playing games or putting up with crap…either on or offline…these are the kinda guys that speak to you in person on Adam regardless….
I have been on this site for a “while” and have been verbally assaulted for not having a Primary photo (I’m just private by nature), for not saying “Hi” when I browsed someones Profile, for being honest about being in an open LTR, to being over a certain age. Really, I wonder if these people have been bullied a lot and now have found a way to do some bullying themselves? I try to be fair, open and honest with everyone I chat with. I don’t say “hi” or send a smile if I’m not going to chat. If I say hi, I’m not proposing marriage nor do I have any agenda, I’m just saying hi! Come on guys, we’re all (supposedly) adults here so act like it…. just saying’
Ivr had the same problem. I can send a message just saying “hello how are you? Nice profile and pix!” And I would get blocked. I could become jaded and hateful, but you know… I don’t let it bother me, I just laugh it off and go on to the next profile. I know weather your gay, straight, trans, or whatever. You have a lot of ignorant and nasty people out there that are targets for bad karma! So why would I wanna fuck or get fucked by those monsters!
The truth is: This and other sites like it are mainly seen as online whore houses where a guy can log on and choose someone to get his rocks off for him. Those who are looking for anything else should probably use actual social network sites like Facebook etc., set up for a different purposes other than convenient outlets for sex.
I put my interests here in my profile, which is free for anyone to read if they are truly interested. If a guy sees that he doesn’t fit into my interests here then there is no reason whatsoever for him to be contacting me about anything at all. I have no need for him to tell me how much he likes my photo, I don’t need his compliments on anything else, nor to just say hi to me. There is no reason for him to assume he’s doing me some kind of favor by doing any of this and no intelligent reason for him to get all upset about it when he gets no response.
Many guys either can’t read or don’t even bother to read the profile, else they cherry pick and spin whatever they can into meaning something that they alone want it to mean. It’s like they see a photo or something they like and jump to the conclusion that they are entitled to fill a guys inbox with messages he’s not interested in reading. It’s not at all unlike junk mail, spam email and or telemarketers. People who take it upon themselves to do this sort of thing are those who are being rude, not those who do not respond.
Of course I agree with those who do get nasty responses, which are uncalled for since there is a [Delete] button for unwanted, nuisance messages.
im a nice guy. i have a saying, i wont be mean to a person unless they’re mean first.